I can't sleep. It is 2:48 in the morning and I am wide awake even though Tiffany and I are leaving in just 3 hours for North Carolina. I picked up my computer after laying down for 30 minutes without sleep and decided to blog....the strangest thing happened, an old blog that I had began over a year and a half ago came up on the screen when I went to the blogspot site. I did not even have to sign in.
I began reading the entries and I should have been embarrassed. I was so honest about the fact that I had wanted to meet a man that I wanted to just hug and kiss. How sad for that girl. She did not know the intimacy of a relationship with God..the true romance and love. She did not even yearn for an intimate, heart relationship with a man. Okay, that is not exactly true. She did yearn for that relationship but went about all the wrong ways to receive it. I have gone on and on about how much I have changed but I know that God showed me those entries so that I could realize that the man of my TRUE dreams is a man that will love me like my savior loves me.
I am reading a book by Francine Rivers, the author of Redeeming Love. It is the second book of the Mark of the Lion Series. The main character is Hadassah. She is a plain woman - she does not have striking beauty, she is not lovely to look at to any of the male characters in the book but she does have admirers. She is admired because of her heart. She is such a woman of God. She prays constantly, does not sway in her faith, she is very kind and never angry, she is very forgiving, and, therefore, very desirable.
The definition of beauty is the quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality. Hadassah is beautiful to many men because of the respect that she shows men and women alike, her strong moral character, her faithfulness, and the way she shows care to those that she encounters. I love that she is not seen as a typical beauty but that people are drawn to her because of her heart.
I am a different person from the Tracey that I read about that was struggling in so many aspects of her life. I had such a strong desire to delete the posts and hide that Tracey once and for all. I have said many times that I have changed and I am so glad for that. I am also glad that I no longer feel the desire to seek a man that will not choose to seek my heart. I have also learned that there is no truer scripture than "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and ALL these things shall be added unto you". God is molding me into the woman that I need to be so that I am "good" enough to be with the man that God intends for me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Redeeming Love
During my first night at camp, the week of June 22nd, I read a wonderful book called "Redeeming Love". It was incredible and life changing. It was the story of Hosea and Gomer - in this case Angel and Michael. It was a book that Jeri told me that God kept after her to give me to read. I understand why that is - after reading it. I really heard God saying that I am worthy and redeemable.
I am a girl that thinks that her past will scare men away but God is trying to tell me that the man that he has chosen for me will not be scared of my past. He will see me as captivating! I can find that love I am searching for - with a good, Christian, man. A man that is handsome, strong, fitness minded, Spirit led, and not well off but wealthy enough to take me to dinner and provide a decent home.
After reading the book, I spent some very beautiful, intimate time with God. It was amazing. I had been reading Redeeming Love, then the first few chapters of Hosea, then I picked up my Captivating book and he showed me AGAIN the scriptures that He wanted me to read and believe:
Hosea 2:6 - I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase after her lovers, but not overtake then; Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband for it was better for me than now" Then, in verse 14: I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. 16: And it will be in that day", says the Lord, " That you will call me "my husband" and no longer call me "my master".
God wants me to pursue HIM, not a man. He wants to have an intimate relationship with me. He does not want me to "chase" after lovers...he is my husband. He provides for me, woos me, and pursues me. He is an amazing God that wants me to long only for Him. I will have that flesh and blood man in His due time. He is showing me, in many ways, the kind of man that He desires for me and the kind of man that should be the ONLY kind that I desire. A man that will honor me, encourage me, and strengthen me.
Spending time with the Holy Spirit, I have felt many emotions - love, comfort, attention - but none of the emotions have been negative, which is different from the emotions that I have felt in the past in relationships. I don't feel pain, shame, anger, unworthiness, or unloved. I like this feeling of control and compassion.
I am a girl that thinks that her past will scare men away but God is trying to tell me that the man that he has chosen for me will not be scared of my past. He will see me as captivating! I can find that love I am searching for - with a good, Christian, man. A man that is handsome, strong, fitness minded, Spirit led, and not well off but wealthy enough to take me to dinner and provide a decent home.
After reading the book, I spent some very beautiful, intimate time with God. It was amazing. I had been reading Redeeming Love, then the first few chapters of Hosea, then I picked up my Captivating book and he showed me AGAIN the scriptures that He wanted me to read and believe:
Hosea 2:6 - I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase after her lovers, but not overtake then; Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband for it was better for me than now" Then, in verse 14: I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. 16: And it will be in that day", says the Lord, " That you will call me "my husband" and no longer call me "my master".
God wants me to pursue HIM, not a man. He wants to have an intimate relationship with me. He does not want me to "chase" after lovers...he is my husband. He provides for me, woos me, and pursues me. He is an amazing God that wants me to long only for Him. I will have that flesh and blood man in His due time. He is showing me, in many ways, the kind of man that He desires for me and the kind of man that should be the ONLY kind that I desire. A man that will honor me, encourage me, and strengthen me.
Spending time with the Holy Spirit, I have felt many emotions - love, comfort, attention - but none of the emotions have been negative, which is different from the emotions that I have felt in the past in relationships. I don't feel pain, shame, anger, unworthiness, or unloved. I like this feeling of control and compassion.
Being pursued by my Father
I have not posted a blog in such a long time. I had a great last month. I was able to go to the Camp of the Hills when the boys went to Team Focus camp, to go the following week when they were actually campers at CotH, and I spent 4 days in San Antonio with Gateway single parent families. It was a time of learning, understanding, and discovery.
I spent the evening of June 14th with God. I spent 5 hours just praying, reading and journalling. I wrote letters asking for forgiveness and focusing on freedom. Bob Hamp says that freedom is the ability to act and react to life as the person that God created you to be. I love that I am finding out exactly who I was created to be, in Christ.
I know that God created me to be a mother and that I need to have certain qualities to be a good mother. I need to be considerate, loving, patient, and most of all PRESENT. I did the 5 love languages assessment on my three youngest and found that they all had Quality Time as their first love language. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. That does not mean watching tv while talking to them. I need to spend individual time with them. Trey loves going to the store with me, Trent and I played cards the other night, and Trevor and I packed for camp and I took him this morning. It did not seem like anything big but he seemed to enjoy the time that we spent without the twins.
I also know that I need to be consistent in disciplining my children and in giving God time out of my day, EVERYDAY! I honestly feel better when I get into the word and receive affirmation from Him. I also need to work on a budget and stick with it. I am working on myself and I am so happy with the changes that I am seeing!
I spent the evening of June 14th with God. I spent 5 hours just praying, reading and journalling. I wrote letters asking for forgiveness and focusing on freedom. Bob Hamp says that freedom is the ability to act and react to life as the person that God created you to be. I love that I am finding out exactly who I was created to be, in Christ.
I know that God created me to be a mother and that I need to have certain qualities to be a good mother. I need to be considerate, loving, patient, and most of all PRESENT. I did the 5 love languages assessment on my three youngest and found that they all had Quality Time as their first love language. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. That does not mean watching tv while talking to them. I need to spend individual time with them. Trey loves going to the store with me, Trent and I played cards the other night, and Trevor and I packed for camp and I took him this morning. It did not seem like anything big but he seemed to enjoy the time that we spent without the twins.
I also know that I need to be consistent in disciplining my children and in giving God time out of my day, EVERYDAY! I honestly feel better when I get into the word and receive affirmation from Him. I also need to work on a budget and stick with it. I am working on myself and I am so happy with the changes that I am seeing!
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