I can't sleep. It is 2:48 in the morning and I am wide awake even though Tiffany and I are leaving in just 3 hours for North Carolina. I picked up my computer after laying down for 30 minutes without sleep and decided to blog....the strangest thing happened, an old blog that I had began over a year and a half ago came up on the screen when I went to the blogspot site. I did not even have to sign in.
I began reading the entries and I should have been embarrassed. I was so honest about the fact that I had wanted to meet a man that I wanted to just hug and kiss. How sad for that girl. She did not know the intimacy of a relationship with God..the true romance and love. She did not even yearn for an intimate, heart relationship with a man. Okay, that is not exactly true. She did yearn for that relationship but went about all the wrong ways to receive it. I have gone on and on about how much I have changed but I know that God showed me those entries so that I could realize that the man of my TRUE dreams is a man that will love me like my savior loves me.
I am reading a book by Francine Rivers, the author of Redeeming Love. It is the second book of the Mark of the Lion Series. The main character is Hadassah. She is a plain woman - she does not have striking beauty, she is not lovely to look at to any of the male characters in the book but she does have admirers. She is admired because of her heart. She is such a woman of God. She prays constantly, does not sway in her faith, she is very kind and never angry, she is very forgiving, and, therefore, very desirable.
The definition of beauty is the quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality. Hadassah is beautiful to many men because of the respect that she shows men and women alike, her strong moral character, her faithfulness, and the way she shows care to those that she encounters. I love that she is not seen as a typical beauty but that people are drawn to her because of her heart.
I am a different person from the Tracey that I read about that was struggling in so many aspects of her life. I had such a strong desire to delete the posts and hide that Tracey once and for all. I have said many times that I have changed and I am so glad for that. I am also glad that I no longer feel the desire to seek a man that will not choose to seek my heart. I have also learned that there is no truer scripture than "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and ALL these things shall be added unto you". God is molding me into the woman that I need to be so that I am "good" enough to be with the man that God intends for me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Redeeming Love
During my first night at camp, the week of June 22nd, I read a wonderful book called "Redeeming Love". It was incredible and life changing. It was the story of Hosea and Gomer - in this case Angel and Michael. It was a book that Jeri told me that God kept after her to give me to read. I understand why that is - after reading it. I really heard God saying that I am worthy and redeemable.
I am a girl that thinks that her past will scare men away but God is trying to tell me that the man that he has chosen for me will not be scared of my past. He will see me as captivating! I can find that love I am searching for - with a good, Christian, man. A man that is handsome, strong, fitness minded, Spirit led, and not well off but wealthy enough to take me to dinner and provide a decent home.
After reading the book, I spent some very beautiful, intimate time with God. It was amazing. I had been reading Redeeming Love, then the first few chapters of Hosea, then I picked up my Captivating book and he showed me AGAIN the scriptures that He wanted me to read and believe:
Hosea 2:6 - I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase after her lovers, but not overtake then; Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband for it was better for me than now" Then, in verse 14: I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. 16: And it will be in that day", says the Lord, " That you will call me "my husband" and no longer call me "my master".
God wants me to pursue HIM, not a man. He wants to have an intimate relationship with me. He does not want me to "chase" after lovers...he is my husband. He provides for me, woos me, and pursues me. He is an amazing God that wants me to long only for Him. I will have that flesh and blood man in His due time. He is showing me, in many ways, the kind of man that He desires for me and the kind of man that should be the ONLY kind that I desire. A man that will honor me, encourage me, and strengthen me.
Spending time with the Holy Spirit, I have felt many emotions - love, comfort, attention - but none of the emotions have been negative, which is different from the emotions that I have felt in the past in relationships. I don't feel pain, shame, anger, unworthiness, or unloved. I like this feeling of control and compassion.
I am a girl that thinks that her past will scare men away but God is trying to tell me that the man that he has chosen for me will not be scared of my past. He will see me as captivating! I can find that love I am searching for - with a good, Christian, man. A man that is handsome, strong, fitness minded, Spirit led, and not well off but wealthy enough to take me to dinner and provide a decent home.
After reading the book, I spent some very beautiful, intimate time with God. It was amazing. I had been reading Redeeming Love, then the first few chapters of Hosea, then I picked up my Captivating book and he showed me AGAIN the scriptures that He wanted me to read and believe:
Hosea 2:6 - I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase after her lovers, but not overtake then; Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband for it was better for me than now" Then, in verse 14: I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. 16: And it will be in that day", says the Lord, " That you will call me "my husband" and no longer call me "my master".
God wants me to pursue HIM, not a man. He wants to have an intimate relationship with me. He does not want me to "chase" after lovers...he is my husband. He provides for me, woos me, and pursues me. He is an amazing God that wants me to long only for Him. I will have that flesh and blood man in His due time. He is showing me, in many ways, the kind of man that He desires for me and the kind of man that should be the ONLY kind that I desire. A man that will honor me, encourage me, and strengthen me.
Spending time with the Holy Spirit, I have felt many emotions - love, comfort, attention - but none of the emotions have been negative, which is different from the emotions that I have felt in the past in relationships. I don't feel pain, shame, anger, unworthiness, or unloved. I like this feeling of control and compassion.
Being pursued by my Father
I have not posted a blog in such a long time. I had a great last month. I was able to go to the Camp of the Hills when the boys went to Team Focus camp, to go the following week when they were actually campers at CotH, and I spent 4 days in San Antonio with Gateway single parent families. It was a time of learning, understanding, and discovery.
I spent the evening of June 14th with God. I spent 5 hours just praying, reading and journalling. I wrote letters asking for forgiveness and focusing on freedom. Bob Hamp says that freedom is the ability to act and react to life as the person that God created you to be. I love that I am finding out exactly who I was created to be, in Christ.
I know that God created me to be a mother and that I need to have certain qualities to be a good mother. I need to be considerate, loving, patient, and most of all PRESENT. I did the 5 love languages assessment on my three youngest and found that they all had Quality Time as their first love language. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. That does not mean watching tv while talking to them. I need to spend individual time with them. Trey loves going to the store with me, Trent and I played cards the other night, and Trevor and I packed for camp and I took him this morning. It did not seem like anything big but he seemed to enjoy the time that we spent without the twins.
I also know that I need to be consistent in disciplining my children and in giving God time out of my day, EVERYDAY! I honestly feel better when I get into the word and receive affirmation from Him. I also need to work on a budget and stick with it. I am working on myself and I am so happy with the changes that I am seeing!
I spent the evening of June 14th with God. I spent 5 hours just praying, reading and journalling. I wrote letters asking for forgiveness and focusing on freedom. Bob Hamp says that freedom is the ability to act and react to life as the person that God created you to be. I love that I am finding out exactly who I was created to be, in Christ.
I know that God created me to be a mother and that I need to have certain qualities to be a good mother. I need to be considerate, loving, patient, and most of all PRESENT. I did the 5 love languages assessment on my three youngest and found that they all had Quality Time as their first love language. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. That does not mean watching tv while talking to them. I need to spend individual time with them. Trey loves going to the store with me, Trent and I played cards the other night, and Trevor and I packed for camp and I took him this morning. It did not seem like anything big but he seemed to enjoy the time that we spent without the twins.
I also know that I need to be consistent in disciplining my children and in giving God time out of my day, EVERYDAY! I honestly feel better when I get into the word and receive affirmation from Him. I also need to work on a budget and stick with it. I am working on myself and I am so happy with the changes that I am seeing!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I want to be ready ...not tired.
Waiting for something can wear you down - emotionally, physically and spiritually. Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred, makes the heart sick" and I think that it very true. You can be very focused on a dream, you can be devoted in prayer to seeing a desired outcome, and you can be so ready to receive God's blessings but then...you can get tired.
I got a call, yesterday, that I got a position at the NRH Coffee bar. I had interviewed about a month ago for a job and they hired someone else. It was for a time slot that would have been difficult for me so it was probably a good thing. They now have another position, with a much better schedule, and I am so blessed with the opportunity.
I think that sometimes, when something good happens, you have a hard time finding the energy to enjoy it. Looking back at some of the older blog posts, I spoke of the dreams that I wanted to acheive. Many of those dreams have not been obtained. I still have weight that has not been lost, I still have bills that I am not able to pay, and I have yet to go on a date but I do have the job that I was wanting. I am also getting my Zumba certification this weekend and that was a dream that I wanted to acheive. So, I am working towards living my dream.
I want to make sure that I see the blessings in my life and that I don't concentrate on the things that have not come to pass. God is working on me. It is so clear to me that God is doing wonderful things to my heart. I have been praying for discernment, understanding, and wisdom and I have been so proud of how much better I am able to understand what God wants of me and what is important. I will keep my eyes on Him.
Get wisdom, get understanding, do not forget my words or swerve from them. Don't forsake wisdom; and she will protect you - love her and she will take watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have - get understanding. Esteem her and she will honor you. She will seet up a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor. Proverbs 4:5 - 9
I got a call, yesterday, that I got a position at the NRH Coffee bar. I had interviewed about a month ago for a job and they hired someone else. It was for a time slot that would have been difficult for me so it was probably a good thing. They now have another position, with a much better schedule, and I am so blessed with the opportunity.
I think that sometimes, when something good happens, you have a hard time finding the energy to enjoy it. Looking back at some of the older blog posts, I spoke of the dreams that I wanted to acheive. Many of those dreams have not been obtained. I still have weight that has not been lost, I still have bills that I am not able to pay, and I have yet to go on a date but I do have the job that I was wanting. I am also getting my Zumba certification this weekend and that was a dream that I wanted to acheive. So, I am working towards living my dream.
I want to make sure that I see the blessings in my life and that I don't concentrate on the things that have not come to pass. God is working on me. It is so clear to me that God is doing wonderful things to my heart. I have been praying for discernment, understanding, and wisdom and I have been so proud of how much better I am able to understand what God wants of me and what is important. I will keep my eyes on Him.
Get wisdom, get understanding, do not forget my words or swerve from them. Don't forsake wisdom; and she will protect you - love her and she will take watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have - get understanding. Esteem her and she will honor you. She will seet up a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor. Proverbs 4:5 - 9
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The dark place
I am going through a season of loneliness. My life is much different than I have ever known it to be and I am not handling it well. A year ago, when I felt lonely, I would call Heather and meet her for a drink or I would just leave the house so that I would not have to feel all four walls closing in on me. I am in a much different place right now....so, why does it still feel like such a dark place?
I went to a GSA activity today and I just did not fit in so well. In high school, I was the head cheerleader and so full of energy and friends with everybody but now I struggle to find my fit. It is crazy that I am going through this. I sat with an awesome woman, Cheryl, and talked for most of the afternoon. It was great to talk to her and she is so comfortable with just being with her kids. I love being with my boys but they were all over the place today. They were swinging, diving and sliding...not activities that I cared to join in.
There were a group of GSA people that were all hanging out together. I have never felt comfortable with that group of people and I don't really think that they even know my name. I honestly have never cared that I was not included in their clique until I was obviously not included. Which is a silly statement. It did punctuate the statement that I said earlier, though, - I am going through a season of loneliness.
I watched TD Jakes on television today and he was talking on Samson. He said that Samson, after being tempted by Delilah, beaten and shackled, was taken to a dark place. He went on to say that everyone that God has ever "used" has been taken to a dark place. The dark place can be a place of regret, a place of shame, a place of loneliness, a place that has lost it's sense of pleasure, etc. He also said that the dark place is not a place where God has left you. You will never know your greatest task until you have been through a dark place.
TD Jake's church then began to jump up and down, praising God. They were shouting as if the burden had been lifted, they were laughing as if the healing had come, they were smiling as if the bills had been paid, they were jumping as if "Mr. Right" was right there in sight. Okay, so do I need to rejoice in this dark place - knowing that God's provision is on the way? I will pray, tonight, for God to show me how to do that.
I went to a GSA activity today and I just did not fit in so well. In high school, I was the head cheerleader and so full of energy and friends with everybody but now I struggle to find my fit. It is crazy that I am going through this. I sat with an awesome woman, Cheryl, and talked for most of the afternoon. It was great to talk to her and she is so comfortable with just being with her kids. I love being with my boys but they were all over the place today. They were swinging, diving and sliding...not activities that I cared to join in.
There were a group of GSA people that were all hanging out together. I have never felt comfortable with that group of people and I don't really think that they even know my name. I honestly have never cared that I was not included in their clique until I was obviously not included. Which is a silly statement. It did punctuate the statement that I said earlier, though, - I am going through a season of loneliness.
I watched TD Jakes on television today and he was talking on Samson. He said that Samson, after being tempted by Delilah, beaten and shackled, was taken to a dark place. He went on to say that everyone that God has ever "used" has been taken to a dark place. The dark place can be a place of regret, a place of shame, a place of loneliness, a place that has lost it's sense of pleasure, etc. He also said that the dark place is not a place where God has left you. You will never know your greatest task until you have been through a dark place.
TD Jake's church then began to jump up and down, praising God. They were shouting as if the burden had been lifted, they were laughing as if the healing had come, they were smiling as if the bills had been paid, they were jumping as if "Mr. Right" was right there in sight. Okay, so do I need to rejoice in this dark place - knowing that God's provision is on the way? I will pray, tonight, for God to show me how to do that.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Fear
I posted the blog from yesterday, on discovering my dream, on facebook. Oh my gosh, how difficult that was. (smile) I was going to post, log off, and not think of it again all day BUT Spencer came online, chatting from Afghanistan, and, of course, I had to talk to him. It was like he was sitting across from me. I shared my anxiety and fear. I don't know why I behave this way - I mean, it is not as if anyone is ready the post and putting more than 5 minutes thought into it. I know that I have to be the silliest girl EVER!
I worried about haters leaving comments, I worried about the comments from old high school friends that knew me when the biggest worry on my mind would be whether I spilled something on my shirt during lunch, and I worried about those that would think "why is she STILL dwelling on her past by even blogging about this?" I just went to God and felt better but the fears started filling my thoughts again after a few hours. I swear, I am my worst cheerleader.
I went to bed knowing that the first thing that I would do when I got up today was to delete the post. I really think that it is odd that I was even worried about the post that I had submitted 12 hours before, but it was a real, true fear. What was my fear exactly? That I would not be hiding anymore? That I would have to follow the dream that I shared with all my facebook friends? Or that someone might judge me regarding the small amount of my past that I had shared? I know that I over-analyze everything. I was so proud of myself when I woke up and started spending time with the boys instead.
I will follow that dream. It may be after the busy time in the summer has passed. I am not sure but I do remember when I was first reading the 21 days of the year devotionals, after the first conference, that spoke of God speaking things into our lives. There are things that "call" us to make a change. I also think about the study that I began on ID groups and understanding our identity in Christ. It spoke of some things that would make us feel sad, some that we know that others should do in the world to make a difference, and some things that we should do because we know that God has called us to make a difference. I truly believe that I am called to help women that feel unworthy and alone - women that are 15 - 25 years old. Single parents, pregnant women, and such. There is something that I can do.
I worried about haters leaving comments, I worried about the comments from old high school friends that knew me when the biggest worry on my mind would be whether I spilled something on my shirt during lunch, and I worried about those that would think "why is she STILL dwelling on her past by even blogging about this?" I just went to God and felt better but the fears started filling my thoughts again after a few hours. I swear, I am my worst cheerleader.
I went to bed knowing that the first thing that I would do when I got up today was to delete the post. I really think that it is odd that I was even worried about the post that I had submitted 12 hours before, but it was a real, true fear. What was my fear exactly? That I would not be hiding anymore? That I would have to follow the dream that I shared with all my facebook friends? Or that someone might judge me regarding the small amount of my past that I had shared? I know that I over-analyze everything. I was so proud of myself when I woke up and started spending time with the boys instead.
I will follow that dream. It may be after the busy time in the summer has passed. I am not sure but I do remember when I was first reading the 21 days of the year devotionals, after the first conference, that spoke of God speaking things into our lives. There are things that "call" us to make a change. I also think about the study that I began on ID groups and understanding our identity in Christ. It spoke of some things that would make us feel sad, some that we know that others should do in the world to make a difference, and some things that we should do because we know that God has called us to make a difference. I truly believe that I am called to help women that feel unworthy and alone - women that are 15 - 25 years old. Single parents, pregnant women, and such. There is something that I can do.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Maybe I finally know my calling!
I have been so consumed over the last few months with finding where God wants me! So consumed with living the life that God has planned for me. Lets be honest, I have been so consumed with FINALLY finding love, a career, and everything else that would make my life "normal" that I stopped seeing the wonderful blessings that I already have. I have also been so scared of people finding out the true Tracey that I have driven my inner circle crazy with never ending talks of my past and how wonderful I am doing now...so that they can validate my feelings of worth.
This world can be so nasty! When my world was falling apart, a couple of years ago, (for the fourth or fifth time), I wrote a sad and angry post that was on myspace for anyone to see. I was a weak, emotionally unfit person that just wanted to lash out and take prisoners. Now, I post this to possibly help somebody. If I hurt anyone in this post, I am TRULY sorry.
I have read wayyy too many self help books in the past two years. Some funny, some sad...but many have helped me to understand myself. When reading the Strength Finders book, I learned that my strengths are woo (this was a no-brainer for me - I always try to win others over and want people to like me), empathy, and communication. I began volunteering at church every week and, though this has been so fun and rewarding, it is still not my "calling". I may have finally figured it out.
I read a post from a sweet, beautiful woman yesterday that cut me to the core. I mean...it hit me straight between the eyes and brought me, later, to my knees. It was a beautiful picture of a young woman, a pregnant young woman, that had her face down, puffy eyes and said that she had not slept all night long. This girl had married a man six months ago that she believed was the man of her dreams. He left her two weeks ago and her bright, happy spark disappeared. When I read her post and began reading the "friends" comments, I became outraged. There was a comment that said "you reap what you sow". I responded that we are not to be ANYONE'S judge and jury. I am so amazed that people still can't grasp that concept!
I remember when I was a young girl. I wanted affection, attention, and comfort soo desperately. I want to emphasize SO DESPERATELY. This girl that later finds that her main strength is wooing people was not able to woo the main people that she wanted to woo in her life. All I am going to say is that I know that the people from which I had wanted to receive love from were not emotionally fit to know how to give love. So, I was so much like the girl that I speak of above. I got married at 20 to a man that gave me a beautiful gift, Spencer, but also gave me endless days of crying, more than a few bruises, and the lowest self esteem that I thought was possible. He also gave me the most horrible feeling of unworthiness that anyone could ever have. I carried that unworthy feeling around with me for 40 years.
I am finished with telling my story. I have gone to countless classes since January, 2009 where I have cried about my past but kept picking up my baggage, time and again. I keep crying over my weight, crying about my children's loss, crying over my single life, and crying over my lack of ambition. Let me say right NOW: I am done. It is time to get over myself and start helping other young, pregnant, desperate women realize that they are so worthy, so beautiful, so captivating, and so deserving. I don't know how, exactly, that I am going to start doing this but God will guide me, of this I am sure. I am so ready to cry with women that are hurting and offer a solution.
I have been blogging for a few months now and have never posted anything for fear of being "seen". There are still things that I will leave private for those that really care about me (God is teaching me discernment :) but there are some things that need to be "seen" so that they may help someone else. I looked up the definition of woo: to solicit or entreat especially with importunity. It blows my mind that I have been so busy wooing others that I had stopped wooing myself. I am important, along with everyone else out there that has made mistakes or continues to make mistakes.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
II Timothy 1:8
This world can be so nasty! When my world was falling apart, a couple of years ago, (for the fourth or fifth time), I wrote a sad and angry post that was on myspace for anyone to see. I was a weak, emotionally unfit person that just wanted to lash out and take prisoners. Now, I post this to possibly help somebody. If I hurt anyone in this post, I am TRULY sorry.
I have read wayyy too many self help books in the past two years. Some funny, some sad...but many have helped me to understand myself. When reading the Strength Finders book, I learned that my strengths are woo (this was a no-brainer for me - I always try to win others over and want people to like me), empathy, and communication. I began volunteering at church every week and, though this has been so fun and rewarding, it is still not my "calling". I may have finally figured it out.
I read a post from a sweet, beautiful woman yesterday that cut me to the core. I mean...it hit me straight between the eyes and brought me, later, to my knees. It was a beautiful picture of a young woman, a pregnant young woman, that had her face down, puffy eyes and said that she had not slept all night long. This girl had married a man six months ago that she believed was the man of her dreams. He left her two weeks ago and her bright, happy spark disappeared. When I read her post and began reading the "friends" comments, I became outraged. There was a comment that said "you reap what you sow". I responded that we are not to be ANYONE'S judge and jury. I am so amazed that people still can't grasp that concept!
I remember when I was a young girl. I wanted affection, attention, and comfort soo desperately. I want to emphasize SO DESPERATELY. This girl that later finds that her main strength is wooing people was not able to woo the main people that she wanted to woo in her life. All I am going to say is that I know that the people from which I had wanted to receive love from were not emotionally fit to know how to give love. So, I was so much like the girl that I speak of above. I got married at 20 to a man that gave me a beautiful gift, Spencer, but also gave me endless days of crying, more than a few bruises, and the lowest self esteem that I thought was possible. He also gave me the most horrible feeling of unworthiness that anyone could ever have. I carried that unworthy feeling around with me for 40 years.
I am finished with telling my story. I have gone to countless classes since January, 2009 where I have cried about my past but kept picking up my baggage, time and again. I keep crying over my weight, crying about my children's loss, crying over my single life, and crying over my lack of ambition. Let me say right NOW: I am done. It is time to get over myself and start helping other young, pregnant, desperate women realize that they are so worthy, so beautiful, so captivating, and so deserving. I don't know how, exactly, that I am going to start doing this but God will guide me, of this I am sure. I am so ready to cry with women that are hurting and offer a solution.
I have been blogging for a few months now and have never posted anything for fear of being "seen". There are still things that I will leave private for those that really care about me (God is teaching me discernment :) but there are some things that need to be "seen" so that they may help someone else. I looked up the definition of woo: to solicit or entreat especially with importunity. It blows my mind that I have been so busy wooing others that I had stopped wooing myself. I am important, along with everyone else out there that has made mistakes or continues to make mistakes.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
II Timothy 1:8
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Maybe it is time to give myself a little break and change things up
I was really upset when I got on the scale and found that I have not lost any weight in the last 17 days. Seventeen days of refraining from pasta, bread, sweets. Okay, I have cheated a little since I have had sweet tea, a few bites of spaghetti, and crackers BUT I refrained from chocolate - that should be good for at least 5 pounds. I will not give up! I did get upset, though, and messed up the last couple of days. It is sad how depressed that we can get over weight loss.
I have been reading Captivating, lately, and it lifts my spirit! I think that the main reason that I love the book is that it validates my thoughts. I believe that most women go through a period when they feel inadequate. I hate that I feel that the attention of a man is going to validate my beauty. It seems that a lot of women also feel that way. I hate the jealous feelings that I am having when I find out that another friend of mine is in a relationship. I am happy for them, honestly, but I just have the desire that it will happen for me, too. I think about how beautiful it would be to spend a wonderful Spring day with my boyfriend and my birthday, as well.
I stayed busy the entire weekend. I did things with friends, with my kiddos, and with God. What a wonderful weekend it was. I realize that I am blessed in so many ways. I have friends that are such a special part of my life, my kids are so thankful for the small things that I can do for them, and God has a way of making me feel beautiful when I set my eyes upon Him. I love that my boys can tell how much God means to me and they are feeling His love, too. I served at church today and I came home with some of the food that was left over. Trent saw the grapes as I got them out of the bag and said "God is so good". Okay, that is what it is all about. He hears me Praise God for what we receive and he has learned to do the same. The best gift that I can give, as a mother, is being able to see the blessings instead of constantly looking at the things that I don't have.
Okay, so maybe I am not a size 8, I am not working yet, and I am not happily married but I need to realize that I have my bills paid, food on my table, and healthy children. I may not have achieved 30 days to my dreams but I have achieved a lot - when you look at my emotional health and God knows the job that is going to work out the best for me and my children. God knows best in every aspect of my life! So, I will walk by faith! I also will change up the diet and exercise plan so that I can achieve some results. :)
I have been reading Captivating, lately, and it lifts my spirit! I think that the main reason that I love the book is that it validates my thoughts. I believe that most women go through a period when they feel inadequate. I hate that I feel that the attention of a man is going to validate my beauty. It seems that a lot of women also feel that way. I hate the jealous feelings that I am having when I find out that another friend of mine is in a relationship. I am happy for them, honestly, but I just have the desire that it will happen for me, too. I think about how beautiful it would be to spend a wonderful Spring day with my boyfriend and my birthday, as well.
I stayed busy the entire weekend. I did things with friends, with my kiddos, and with God. What a wonderful weekend it was. I realize that I am blessed in so many ways. I have friends that are such a special part of my life, my kids are so thankful for the small things that I can do for them, and God has a way of making me feel beautiful when I set my eyes upon Him. I love that my boys can tell how much God means to me and they are feeling His love, too. I served at church today and I came home with some of the food that was left over. Trent saw the grapes as I got them out of the bag and said "God is so good". Okay, that is what it is all about. He hears me Praise God for what we receive and he has learned to do the same. The best gift that I can give, as a mother, is being able to see the blessings instead of constantly looking at the things that I don't have.
Okay, so maybe I am not a size 8, I am not working yet, and I am not happily married but I need to realize that I have my bills paid, food on my table, and healthy children. I may not have achieved 30 days to my dreams but I have achieved a lot - when you look at my emotional health and God knows the job that is going to work out the best for me and my children. God knows best in every aspect of my life! So, I will walk by faith! I also will change up the diet and exercise plan so that I can achieve some results. :)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Evaluating my progress towards my dream living
I have gone 13 days without even a small bit of chocolate. WOW! I mean that is BIG! I have not had rice, potatoes, bread or pasta either. I have had crackers, knowing that I should not have but I realize that I made a mistake and tomorrow is a new day! I have not been on the scale since the beginning of the week because I am not feeling like my clothes are feeling loose. I do have an interview on Wednesday and I am working steadily for Kristi so I am bringing money into my home.
I do feel disappointed with my lack of weight loss but I have been putting on make-up and fixing my hair and it does make a big difference with my self esteem. I understand that one of the reasons that I am not achieving my wight loss goals is that I am comforting myself with food. I do have to say that I feel more in control since I am not eating as many carbs. I also realize that when I am eating for comfort reasons, that I should go outside and walk around the block or pick up my bible.
I know that God is faithful. Psalm 145:19 says "He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." I am maintaining a constant connection with God and I am totally leaning on Him. I talk to Him about my dreams but there are so many other things that I talk to Him about, such as: my finances, my children, for wisdom and understanding, and I am always giving thanks to Him for the blessings that He has bestowed upon me.
I do love the volunteer work that I am doing at Gateway in the single's ministry, as well as in the Hospitality department. It is a way for me to give back. I also have been staying in the word daily, which helps me stay positive and happy. I am also constantly staying accountable to Shelly and she is aware of my every action, honestly. She is also aware of my thoughts and feelings. I am proud to say that I am living a pure life, with no addictive behaviors. YAY ME!
I do feel disappointed with my lack of weight loss but I have been putting on make-up and fixing my hair and it does make a big difference with my self esteem. I understand that one of the reasons that I am not achieving my wight loss goals is that I am comforting myself with food. I do have to say that I feel more in control since I am not eating as many carbs. I also realize that when I am eating for comfort reasons, that I should go outside and walk around the block or pick up my bible.
I know that God is faithful. Psalm 145:19 says "He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." I am maintaining a constant connection with God and I am totally leaning on Him. I talk to Him about my dreams but there are so many other things that I talk to Him about, such as: my finances, my children, for wisdom and understanding, and I am always giving thanks to Him for the blessings that He has bestowed upon me.
I do love the volunteer work that I am doing at Gateway in the single's ministry, as well as in the Hospitality department. It is a way for me to give back. I also have been staying in the word daily, which helps me stay positive and happy. I am also constantly staying accountable to Shelly and she is aware of my every action, honestly. She is also aware of my thoughts and feelings. I am proud to say that I am living a pure life, with no addictive behaviors. YAY ME!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Patience is a virtue
My dreams will take some time to achieve but that is a hard reality to admit. It is especially hard to wait for God to bring the right man into my life but it is also hard to wait on weight loss, for the job that will fit my family and I, and hard to fit exercise into an already busy day.
As far as the relationship is concerned, I realize a lot of things but the realization does not make it any easier. I realize that I have changed a lot and that I don't want to attract the same men anymore. I DO wish that I had male friends, though. I was reading the single pastor's FaceBook page and he posted a few questions on dating vs. friends. One of the girls that is now married said that her friendships with male friends helped her achieve the relationship that she now has with her husband. That is so nice. I just don't have close men that are friends. I have be praying for that but, of course, the prayers often then continue to the subject of a more intimate relationship.
Shelly said that I need to make the decision to praise God regardless if she blesses me with a relationship or not. OF COURSE. I love the way that I am being wooed by God but that is also showing me the way that I can be wooed by the right man. God is fulfilling more than any lover has ever fulfilled. He truly is my provider, husband, the father of my children, etc...but I want a flesh and blood man to make me feel desirable. I don't think that is such a bad thing - that is how God made women...to desire to be known, to take part in an adventure, and to be rescued. I just feel discouraged when I am around so many couples that are getting engaged and moving on to the next stage in life. I am not jealous, I just want to show myself how I can woo, love, care, trust...all the things that God is teaching me so well...I want to have a man to share those things with. I want something meaningful and beautiful.
Now, the fact that I am not in a healthy relationship does not make me want to go towards an unhealthy relationship. I have gone that route and I know the outcome. Now, I would lie if I said that I did not want to go out to a club and dance the night away. I don't want to meet anyone to dance with but I do want to dance. I know that with the right group of girls, I could go and feel completely fine but there are a few friends that I need to steer clear of, right now, and know that God will bless me for that. I guess the fact that I am home on a Friday night, which would have been unheard of two years ago, is the reason that I would like to be out on a dance floor right now. I know that the remedy to getting what I want, more than any other option, is to continue to pray!!
Another realization that I have found is that IF I were in that serious relationship, I would not have the time to continue spending time with the wonderful, single ladies that I am growing lasting relationships with. If I had already reached this dream, I would not enjoy the process of getting to know myself, like I have through reading, studying, and the mentoring process. I also know that if I wanted to hurry along the process, I could begin dating but I do not enjoy meeting a stranger and having to measure up to their expectations and the expectations that I have set for them. Dating sites will never again be an option. I will continue to be patient because my past is a testimony for what my impatience cost me. I had so much pain and anger, loss of self esteem, and loss of respect for myself. If I had just waited and gave God control, like I am now...I would have never dated the losers of the past and I could possibly already have achieved ALL the goals that I have for myself.
Inn Galations 5:22, God calls patience "the fruit of the spirit". I am going to begin praying for patience, along with the wisdom and understanding that I have already been praying to receive.
As far as the relationship is concerned, I realize a lot of things but the realization does not make it any easier. I realize that I have changed a lot and that I don't want to attract the same men anymore. I DO wish that I had male friends, though. I was reading the single pastor's FaceBook page and he posted a few questions on dating vs. friends. One of the girls that is now married said that her friendships with male friends helped her achieve the relationship that she now has with her husband. That is so nice. I just don't have close men that are friends. I have be praying for that but, of course, the prayers often then continue to the subject of a more intimate relationship.
Shelly said that I need to make the decision to praise God regardless if she blesses me with a relationship or not. OF COURSE. I love the way that I am being wooed by God but that is also showing me the way that I can be wooed by the right man. God is fulfilling more than any lover has ever fulfilled. He truly is my provider, husband, the father of my children, etc...but I want a flesh and blood man to make me feel desirable. I don't think that is such a bad thing - that is how God made women...to desire to be known, to take part in an adventure, and to be rescued. I just feel discouraged when I am around so many couples that are getting engaged and moving on to the next stage in life. I am not jealous, I just want to show myself how I can woo, love, care, trust...all the things that God is teaching me so well...I want to have a man to share those things with. I want something meaningful and beautiful.
Now, the fact that I am not in a healthy relationship does not make me want to go towards an unhealthy relationship. I have gone that route and I know the outcome. Now, I would lie if I said that I did not want to go out to a club and dance the night away. I don't want to meet anyone to dance with but I do want to dance. I know that with the right group of girls, I could go and feel completely fine but there are a few friends that I need to steer clear of, right now, and know that God will bless me for that. I guess the fact that I am home on a Friday night, which would have been unheard of two years ago, is the reason that I would like to be out on a dance floor right now. I know that the remedy to getting what I want, more than any other option, is to continue to pray!!
Another realization that I have found is that IF I were in that serious relationship, I would not have the time to continue spending time with the wonderful, single ladies that I am growing lasting relationships with. If I had already reached this dream, I would not enjoy the process of getting to know myself, like I have through reading, studying, and the mentoring process. I also know that if I wanted to hurry along the process, I could begin dating but I do not enjoy meeting a stranger and having to measure up to their expectations and the expectations that I have set for them. Dating sites will never again be an option. I will continue to be patient because my past is a testimony for what my impatience cost me. I had so much pain and anger, loss of self esteem, and loss of respect for myself. If I had just waited and gave God control, like I am now...I would have never dated the losers of the past and I could possibly already have achieved ALL the goals that I have for myself.
Inn Galations 5:22, God calls patience "the fruit of the spirit". I am going to begin praying for patience, along with the wisdom and understanding that I have already been praying to receive.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Distractions, distractions, distractions
I have been ignoring a lot of things - a lot of outside influences - so that I can work on my dreams. I am saying "no" to meeting up with friends and even doing good things like attending service. I have been volunteering at church and then watching the service online so that I can take better notes and have less distractions. It is also good because I am able to react and stop and ponder the things that were just said by the pastor.
I am not going to get in the practice of missing the service because I get so much out of being with the body of believers but I also have that chance when attending GSA on Monday nights. I am just being very conscious of the other things that I also need to accomplish so that I can make the best of my time. I also am taking time to rest. Saturday night, I did not get a lot of sleep so I took a much needed nap because I am also realizing the importance of rest.
I realized, this weekend, a lot of other things. Okay, this sounds so silly but it was big for me. I realized that, in my past, I played the blame game often. I spent time, last night, writing in my journal after reading Captivating and then this weekend's sermon backed up what I wrote. It is my dream to be loved in a way that makes me feel valued, set apart, and truly loved for the first time in my life. I have often told friends that I have never been truly loved; that if things were not right in the relationship, I complained. I did have some pretty extreme problems in the relationships but I always threw in the towel. I then would complain about the relationship, place blame, and express my disappointment but I never realized how disappointed the men must have been. As I said, some cases were very extreme and I had a right to walk away from the marriage but I still had blame. I am still learning the qualities that I want in a man but, maybe, I need to turn the tables and realize that there are some pretty important qualities that God, and my future husband, may want me to possess.
I loved the positive thoughts that are keeping me distracted, like those above, but there are a lot of other distractions that I am learning to decline. I am learning that the distractions that are of this world are those that make me feel weak, tired, and ultimately disappointed. I realize that many of these "life lessons" that I am learning are things that many people learned by their mid twenties but I am just now receiving the proper teaching. Shelly also talked to me about making and following through with a list... just a short list of things that I want to accomplish for the day and I completed almost everything on my list...I have just a few more things to do...right now! : )
I am not going to get in the practice of missing the service because I get so much out of being with the body of believers but I also have that chance when attending GSA on Monday nights. I am just being very conscious of the other things that I also need to accomplish so that I can make the best of my time. I also am taking time to rest. Saturday night, I did not get a lot of sleep so I took a much needed nap because I am also realizing the importance of rest.
I realized, this weekend, a lot of other things. Okay, this sounds so silly but it was big for me. I realized that, in my past, I played the blame game often. I spent time, last night, writing in my journal after reading Captivating and then this weekend's sermon backed up what I wrote. It is my dream to be loved in a way that makes me feel valued, set apart, and truly loved for the first time in my life. I have often told friends that I have never been truly loved; that if things were not right in the relationship, I complained. I did have some pretty extreme problems in the relationships but I always threw in the towel. I then would complain about the relationship, place blame, and express my disappointment but I never realized how disappointed the men must have been. As I said, some cases were very extreme and I had a right to walk away from the marriage but I still had blame. I am still learning the qualities that I want in a man but, maybe, I need to turn the tables and realize that there are some pretty important qualities that God, and my future husband, may want me to possess.
I loved the positive thoughts that are keeping me distracted, like those above, but there are a lot of other distractions that I am learning to decline. I am learning that the distractions that are of this world are those that make me feel weak, tired, and ultimately disappointed. I realize that many of these "life lessons" that I am learning are things that many people learned by their mid twenties but I am just now receiving the proper teaching. Shelly also talked to me about making and following through with a list... just a short list of things that I want to accomplish for the day and I completed almost everything on my list...I have just a few more things to do...right now! : )
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I am Captivating!
I celebrate small things. I always have. I love to encourage others and love to encourage my kids. I am going to celebrate some small things in writing, right now. I celebrate that I have not had chocolate, bread or potatoes since Monday. I celebrate that I have lost one pound...I know only one but it is not a gain. I celebrate that I kept myself busy this weekend and did not fall into even a small little bout of depression in any form or fashion. I celebrate bigger things like two of my friends getting engaged this weekend and the fact that I am TRULY happy for them...ecstatic even, that they are living the dream. I celebrate that even though I REALLY did not want to play Monopoly with Trevor, I did it because it made him really happy! I also celebrate that I did not put off packing the twins bags for their trip to Sky Ranch until tomorrow, since I don't know how busy I will be.
I also celebrate that I am feeling captivating! I felt so beautiful today. It was not for any special reason. I mean, I did put on very little make-up and I put on a cute shirt with a nice pair of pants, but I felt beautiful because I received blessings today... no negativity at all! My kids were happy (until I was adamant about bedtime), I got plenty of rest, and I praised and worshiped my savior. I feel absolutely breath-takingly beautiful, if that is a word - breathtakingly, when I raise my hands and heart in worship. It is like nothing that I have ever experienced in my life. That is my little gift from God ~ that I feel so beautiful when I offer my heart to Him.
I worked at Lifeway Christian bookstore last night, helping with inventory. I was hating that I took the job after two hours when my knees began to hurt from getting on the floor to reach the lower book shelves. Then my back starting to just kill me from reaching for the books and having to hold them while I maneuvered the scanner. It was tough work for the, maybe, $40 that I will be mailed (that will have taxes taken out of it). I did it so that I could possibly get a permanent job there but I am not feeling like that is where I need to be.
Where I want to be is at the coffee shop at Gateway NRH. I really want to be there. I talked to the woman in charge of hiring last Sunday when I was volunteering. I took my application on Wednesday and hoped that I would get a call this last week. When volunteering today, I went by the coffee shop and said hello to Brenda, one of the shift managers. I reminded her of my name and found out that the hiring manager had been off for a few days last week. I am praying that I will get the job. I think that it would be a good match!
On an ending note. I love reading Isaiah 62:
For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah
for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married.
As a young man marries a maiden
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
(Side note: Hephzibah means "delight in her" and Beulah - promised land)
I am going to rejoice when my kids are arguing, when my jeans are a little too tight, and when I am the last of my friends that are single (that one may be a little tough)...because my Father has big plans for me! God will call me by a new name...can't wait to see what it is.
I also celebrate that I am feeling captivating! I felt so beautiful today. It was not for any special reason. I mean, I did put on very little make-up and I put on a cute shirt with a nice pair of pants, but I felt beautiful because I received blessings today... no negativity at all! My kids were happy (until I was adamant about bedtime), I got plenty of rest, and I praised and worshiped my savior. I feel absolutely breath-takingly beautiful, if that is a word - breathtakingly, when I raise my hands and heart in worship. It is like nothing that I have ever experienced in my life. That is my little gift from God ~ that I feel so beautiful when I offer my heart to Him.
I worked at Lifeway Christian bookstore last night, helping with inventory. I was hating that I took the job after two hours when my knees began to hurt from getting on the floor to reach the lower book shelves. Then my back starting to just kill me from reaching for the books and having to hold them while I maneuvered the scanner. It was tough work for the, maybe, $40 that I will be mailed (that will have taxes taken out of it). I did it so that I could possibly get a permanent job there but I am not feeling like that is where I need to be.
Where I want to be is at the coffee shop at Gateway NRH. I really want to be there. I talked to the woman in charge of hiring last Sunday when I was volunteering. I took my application on Wednesday and hoped that I would get a call this last week. When volunteering today, I went by the coffee shop and said hello to Brenda, one of the shift managers. I reminded her of my name and found out that the hiring manager had been off for a few days last week. I am praying that I will get the job. I think that it would be a good match!
On an ending note. I love reading Isaiah 62:
For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah
for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married.
As a young man marries a maiden
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
(Side note: Hephzibah means "delight in her" and Beulah - promised land)
I am going to rejoice when my kids are arguing, when my jeans are a little too tight, and when I am the last of my friends that are single (that one may be a little tough)...because my Father has big plans for me! God will call me by a new name...can't wait to see what it is.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Being in control
Attending bible studies and woman's groups are so encouraging to me. Women that are empowering each other and women that help each other stay accountable in those things that they are battling is amazing. I have surrounded myself with incredible women and I feel blessed. I have really good friends that love me and want to see me succeed. I have talked to a couple of friends, since my last post, about keeping me accountable but I know that they are busy. It is encouraging to be contacted by friends to find out how I am doing in my weight loss and exercise goals, but more importantly, it is important that I am accountable to myself.
I talked to God for quite a long time, last night, about how I have been obedient in many aspects of my life, as of late, but how I transferred a lot of my dependencies to an obsession with food. I had bulimia when I was a teenager and I have always had a problem with food but I have seen more of a problem emerge in the last few months. Well, maybe it is not more of a problem but...maybe God is drawing my attention to it since my lack of will power is in direct correlation to my lack of obedience.
I have laid my obsession to food at the foot of the cross and I will NOT pick it up again. Okay, so I walked into QT last night and did not go to the candy bar isle. I did not even take a small peppermint patty. THIS IS BIG! I am going to abstain from white flour products and sweets. I did a good work-out today and I did not overeat. I feel incredible. It is only day two but I am in control of my body. I will be in a much better position to live out my dreams when I have conquered the things that have become obstacles in my path.
I have to pat myself on the back because I have also made the decision to stop having expectations that the "man of my dreams" is going to show up in my dreams, at my front door, or anywhere else. If it happens, I will not push him away but I am going to TRY...try being the opportive word... to stop fantasizing and wishing. God is going to bring the man that I need when I need him. I have to continue to remember that the man that God will bless me with is so much more than the man that I have planned. God is going to surpass my expectations. BRING IT, LORD!
I talked to God for quite a long time, last night, about how I have been obedient in many aspects of my life, as of late, but how I transferred a lot of my dependencies to an obsession with food. I had bulimia when I was a teenager and I have always had a problem with food but I have seen more of a problem emerge in the last few months. Well, maybe it is not more of a problem but...maybe God is drawing my attention to it since my lack of will power is in direct correlation to my lack of obedience.
I have laid my obsession to food at the foot of the cross and I will NOT pick it up again. Okay, so I walked into QT last night and did not go to the candy bar isle. I did not even take a small peppermint patty. THIS IS BIG! I am going to abstain from white flour products and sweets. I did a good work-out today and I did not overeat. I feel incredible. It is only day two but I am in control of my body. I will be in a much better position to live out my dreams when I have conquered the things that have become obstacles in my path.
I have to pat myself on the back because I have also made the decision to stop having expectations that the "man of my dreams" is going to show up in my dreams, at my front door, or anywhere else. If it happens, I will not push him away but I am going to TRY...try being the opportive word... to stop fantasizing and wishing. God is going to bring the man that I need when I need him. I have to continue to remember that the man that God will bless me with is so much more than the man that I have planned. God is going to surpass my expectations. BRING IT, LORD!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Assembling a team
I have not been keeping my goals. First of all, I did not get a job yet. Well, actually, I truly believe with everything that has been going on, that God has that all under control. BUT, I am really good at making excuses, usually they don't involve God. For example, I have not started my weight loss goal. In fact, I have not bought batteries for the Wii so that I can start weighing myself regularly and keeping track of my workouts. I have not been real consistent with my workouts either. Okay, here comes another excuse. I have been busy helping my cousin get her house ready to sell, which has been hard, calorie expending work, I have not been feeling really well, and today I had my two year grandson, all day, and he did not take a nap. They are good excuses for my lack of activity for the last three days...besides that, I have been very consistent.
I need to assemble of team of people that can support, encourage, give me honest feedback, give wisdom and experience, accountability, and guidance. I have a few people in mind but I have not asked. I wonder if the reason, subconsciously, that I have not asked them to be accountability/support partners is because I am not ready to be fully accountable. I don't mind if people ask me, straight out, if I have been reading my bible because I am ready to be accountable for my spiritual health but it is hard to be accountable for those things that are more difficult for us to maintain. Wow... it is nice to realize that my spiritual health is the area that I am more consistent with.
Okay, now that I acknowledge that, I would love to think that God would reward our good behavior with a ten pound weight loss, for starters. Haha. Actually, I know that I would have that reward if I would reach for my bible instead of a bag of chips. It is really much harder than that...for me. I would like to think that when I am seeking food for comfort, it would be better to seek God. Honestly, the way I have felt about it lately is that my God time is cherished time when I am seeking him when I feel wonderful and I am yearning for Him and not when I am seeking Him because I am feeling blue. I need to change my mindset and seek Him at the time that I want to be wooed and when I need Him so that I won't eat another handful of chips.
I am continuing to seek wisdom and praying for my sister. I spent time with my younger sister on Saturday. It was the first time in almost two years and it was nice. I am learning how to share my heart, my desires, and my relationship with Jesus in small doses or only with those who God releases me to share with, so I only spoke for a brief period (about 10 minutes) about church and my relationship with God. I was amazed that I could speak so little about God with her since it is the basis of every other relationship that I have, right now. My niece also sat and talked with us and we all had a nice visit. I never felt like I needed to defend myself or my actions and for the first time, probably ever, I did not talk about the latest man in my life. Well, I guess I did...(about 10 minutes) Praise God!
I need to assemble of team of people that can support, encourage, give me honest feedback, give wisdom and experience, accountability, and guidance. I have a few people in mind but I have not asked. I wonder if the reason, subconsciously, that I have not asked them to be accountability/support partners is because I am not ready to be fully accountable. I don't mind if people ask me, straight out, if I have been reading my bible because I am ready to be accountable for my spiritual health but it is hard to be accountable for those things that are more difficult for us to maintain. Wow... it is nice to realize that my spiritual health is the area that I am more consistent with.
Okay, now that I acknowledge that, I would love to think that God would reward our good behavior with a ten pound weight loss, for starters. Haha. Actually, I know that I would have that reward if I would reach for my bible instead of a bag of chips. It is really much harder than that...for me. I would like to think that when I am seeking food for comfort, it would be better to seek God. Honestly, the way I have felt about it lately is that my God time is cherished time when I am seeking him when I feel wonderful and I am yearning for Him and not when I am seeking Him because I am feeling blue. I need to change my mindset and seek Him at the time that I want to be wooed and when I need Him so that I won't eat another handful of chips.
I am continuing to seek wisdom and praying for my sister. I spent time with my younger sister on Saturday. It was the first time in almost two years and it was nice. I am learning how to share my heart, my desires, and my relationship with Jesus in small doses or only with those who God releases me to share with, so I only spoke for a brief period (about 10 minutes) about church and my relationship with God. I was amazed that I could speak so little about God with her since it is the basis of every other relationship that I have, right now. My niece also sat and talked with us and we all had a nice visit. I never felt like I needed to defend myself or my actions and for the first time, probably ever, I did not talk about the latest man in my life. Well, I guess I did...(about 10 minutes) Praise God!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Obstacles that get in the way
I am grateful for my children. So grateful. It is funny how a wonderful blessing can bring a few thorns. For example, my sweet, eldest son came and surprised me, along with his beautiful wife, this past Saturday. It just happened to be the day before Easter and I was already a little sad about the fact that I did not have family to enjoy the day with, besides, of course, my children. I have to clarify something....I do not want a relationship with my immediate family because they do everything but build me up but I am saddened by the fact that I do not have family that loves and supports me.
Anyway, Spencer came in and they left, soon after, to hang out with friends. He got up early the next morning and took me and the younger boys to church so that he and Tiffany could go to Legacy, which is the church in which he grew up. He returned to Gateway soon and was noticeably angry because he had missed the service at Legacy. I had been really excited about the Easter service but Spence immediately made me uncomfortable at his restlessness and anxiety. He continued hanging out with his friends that evening and brought my nephew home, after midnight, on Sunday evening where they both were loud and obnoxious. I was not able to sleep soundly and awoke on Monday morning feeling as if I had consumed an entire bottle of wine the evening before.
I have had an obstacle in following the path to reach my dreams and I would not be truthful if I said that any of that really had much to do with Spencer's behavior on Sunday. He and I talked on Saturday, after he surprised me, and he let me know that my dad had attempted to get the family together so that everyone could see Spencer and Tiff while they were in town. Everyone was willing to go to dinner except for my oldest sister. She did not want to have to see me. How that set me back!! I have been feeling so worthy, so beautiful, so deserving, so....well, the list goes on and on. Why does an action from one person have to set an obstacle in front of me? A person that has never supported me, never loved me, and never even tried to pretend otherwise...why would that person have such an influence on my emotions and dreams?
After finding out that my dad was still going to take Spen and Tiff to see my sisters, I became ill. Well, actually, the fact that I had missed sleep and allowed myself to be stressed by everything going on, made me sick. I always really look forward to praise and worship time on Monday nights but I did not attend because I was not feeling good. Instead, I waited for Spencer to get home so that I could hear about their visit with my sister. I ranted and raved about how she continues to hurt me and how I don't need her in my life since she has never, ever spoke an encouraging word to me. I then went to bed.
Anyway, Spencer came in and they left, soon after, to hang out with friends. He got up early the next morning and took me and the younger boys to church so that he and Tiffany could go to Legacy, which is the church in which he grew up. He returned to Gateway soon and was noticeably angry because he had missed the service at Legacy. I had been really excited about the Easter service but Spence immediately made me uncomfortable at his restlessness and anxiety. He continued hanging out with his friends that evening and brought my nephew home, after midnight, on Sunday evening where they both were loud and obnoxious. I was not able to sleep soundly and awoke on Monday morning feeling as if I had consumed an entire bottle of wine the evening before.
I have had an obstacle in following the path to reach my dreams and I would not be truthful if I said that any of that really had much to do with Spencer's behavior on Sunday. He and I talked on Saturday, after he surprised me, and he let me know that my dad had attempted to get the family together so that everyone could see Spencer and Tiff while they were in town. Everyone was willing to go to dinner except for my oldest sister. She did not want to have to see me. How that set me back!! I have been feeling so worthy, so beautiful, so deserving, so....well, the list goes on and on. Why does an action from one person have to set an obstacle in front of me? A person that has never supported me, never loved me, and never even tried to pretend otherwise...why would that person have such an influence on my emotions and dreams?
After finding out that my dad was still going to take Spen and Tiff to see my sisters, I became ill. Well, actually, the fact that I had missed sleep and allowed myself to be stressed by everything going on, made me sick. I always really look forward to praise and worship time on Monday nights but I did not attend because I was not feeling good. Instead, I waited for Spencer to get home so that I could hear about their visit with my sister. I ranted and raved about how she continues to hurt me and how I don't need her in my life since she has never, ever spoke an encouraging word to me. I then went to bed.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Making a desirable outcome
The event in my life that had the biggest ripple effect was my divorce from Dean. Even though he was leading such a life of pornography, I still wanted to work things out...in the beginning. I really do believe that there was good in our relationship for the first two years. We had fun in the beginning. We had good conversation, we laughed a lot, and we enjoyed time with our friends. It was not until I had Trevor that things changed.
I am sure that it had a lot to do with the type of parties that he was attending when he told me that he was going fishing. He was so involved in a life of bondage, submission, and adultery. He also had split our finances and would not even buy milk when I needed it for the baby. And, after the twins were conceived, things got so much worse. I had never intended on raising four children on my own. I truly believe that things that I have gone through have made me the person that I am today.
I can honestly say that I am not judgmental in the least. I can empathize with someone in almost any situation. I can identify with most people that are hurting and offer a kind word or, at least, a hug when they need comfort. It is getting much easier, also, to tell people about my testimony and how God has worked in my life.
I am sure that it had a lot to do with the type of parties that he was attending when he told me that he was going fishing. He was so involved in a life of bondage, submission, and adultery. He also had split our finances and would not even buy milk when I needed it for the baby. And, after the twins were conceived, things got so much worse. I had never intended on raising four children on my own. I truly believe that things that I have gone through have made me the person that I am today.
I can honestly say that I am not judgmental in the least. I can empathize with someone in almost any situation. I can identify with most people that are hurting and offer a kind word or, at least, a hug when they need comfort. It is getting much easier, also, to tell people about my testimony and how God has worked in my life.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Envy - the devil's trap
When I was younger, I went to an amazing church. I had a great number of role models - women that raised their children and loved their husbands for the glory of God. I tried to learn from these women and I now know that I was not equipped to be obedient to God in my marriage. I did not respect my husband, I would talk poorly about him to whomever would listen, and, most importantly, I did not ask God to change his heart. Instead, I was embarrassed and constantly making excuses for the circumstances of my life.
The sad thing is that I was jealous of these sweet, Christian ladies. I am amazed at how kind and warm that they were to a "marked woman", which is how I saw myself. I really felt as if they wanted to have me around, until the enemy would start his whispering in my ear.
My sister and I never got along, even from the time that we were children. She resented the fact that my mom would make her bring me along when she was invited to a friend's house. My sister would tell me to stay on her friend's porch and she would give me food to keep me occupied. No toys, just food...hmm, maybe that is the reason that food is now a comfort to me. My sister, and brother, were embarrassed by me. I was reminded, daily, of how I did not measure up in our family. When I hear people talk about children that bully others, I so reach out to them because of how the bullying has affected my life.
I have forgiven my siblings, within the last year, because I realize that we all three came from dysfunctional parents and we were never given the skills to understand, or cope, with our feelings or emotions. Okay, I got way off track. The reason I write about my sister is because the enemy used her, even when I was attending church regularly, to tell me that I was an embarrassment. I don't believe that she meant to steer me away from the church but comments that she would say would leave me feeling unworthy and ashamed. Oh, how I wish that I had been equipped with the truth that I am a daughter of the most high. Instead, I was ashamed of my divorce, ashamed that I was not woman enough to help my husband leave a life of pornography and sexual immorality, and guilt ridden that I ran to the arms of another man so that I could find the hope of a successful relationship.
Comparison is a horrible thing and when you feel that you don't measure up to those around you, you live your life in shame and insecurity. I have had resentment toward others and had a real problem loving myself. I left that church because the devil and his voice, which I heard much louder than the voice of reason. I left but have looked back, thousands of times, at the love, compassion, and kindness that I experienced while I was there. The many life lessons that were crushed because of my own guilt and shame.
The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy and he does his job very well. He knows our weaknesses and he will not stop until he takes our eyes off the cross and leads us down a road of anger, resentment, covetousness, and sexual immorality, in my case. I am so thankful that I now understand what it means to walk with Him. I have dealt with the regrets and the bitterness. I have ended dangerous relationships that do not help me get closer to God AND I am embracing the future that God has for me. I am dreaming of the things that I once dreamed. Praise the Lord!
The sad thing is that I was jealous of these sweet, Christian ladies. I am amazed at how kind and warm that they were to a "marked woman", which is how I saw myself. I really felt as if they wanted to have me around, until the enemy would start his whispering in my ear.
My sister and I never got along, even from the time that we were children. She resented the fact that my mom would make her bring me along when she was invited to a friend's house. My sister would tell me to stay on her friend's porch and she would give me food to keep me occupied. No toys, just food...hmm, maybe that is the reason that food is now a comfort to me. My sister, and brother, were embarrassed by me. I was reminded, daily, of how I did not measure up in our family. When I hear people talk about children that bully others, I so reach out to them because of how the bullying has affected my life.
I have forgiven my siblings, within the last year, because I realize that we all three came from dysfunctional parents and we were never given the skills to understand, or cope, with our feelings or emotions. Okay, I got way off track. The reason I write about my sister is because the enemy used her, even when I was attending church regularly, to tell me that I was an embarrassment. I don't believe that she meant to steer me away from the church but comments that she would say would leave me feeling unworthy and ashamed. Oh, how I wish that I had been equipped with the truth that I am a daughter of the most high. Instead, I was ashamed of my divorce, ashamed that I was not woman enough to help my husband leave a life of pornography and sexual immorality, and guilt ridden that I ran to the arms of another man so that I could find the hope of a successful relationship.
Comparison is a horrible thing and when you feel that you don't measure up to those around you, you live your life in shame and insecurity. I have had resentment toward others and had a real problem loving myself. I left that church because the devil and his voice, which I heard much louder than the voice of reason. I left but have looked back, thousands of times, at the love, compassion, and kindness that I experienced while I was there. The many life lessons that were crushed because of my own guilt and shame.
The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy and he does his job very well. He knows our weaknesses and he will not stop until he takes our eyes off the cross and leads us down a road of anger, resentment, covetousness, and sexual immorality, in my case. I am so thankful that I now understand what it means to walk with Him. I have dealt with the regrets and the bitterness. I have ended dangerous relationships that do not help me get closer to God AND I am embracing the future that God has for me. I am dreaming of the things that I once dreamed. Praise the Lord!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I will walk by faith
I am pumped!! I am so excited about life for the first time in quite a while. I worked out the last couple of days and turned in an application at a job that I really want. God is great and he has revealed to me, in more than one way, that I am seen and known by Him. Shelly gave me an amazing revelation and peace gave me another. Peace is define as inner contentment and serenity. I experienced peace, yesterday, as I sat outside and called out to God about how much he loves me. I am so in love with God. It is funny because when I am in love with a man, I dress up for him, I think of him first thing in the morning, I love to impress him by working out and knowing that he would be impressed with my self control, I love to write letters to him and talk to him about my day. It is the same way with God. I can't wait to let him know how I behaved in a way that would glorify Him, I can't wait to tell my children things that show my dedication to Him, and I can't wait to look in the mirror when I have spent time getting ready, knowing that I look pretty to Him.
I am going to follow my dreams because I know that He will be proud of me for achieving my dreams. He will reward me for not succumbing to sexual immorality, He will reward me for keeping myself pure for my future husband, and He will love me for me - plain ole Tracey. I am not plain ole Tracey, to God. I am his daughter, I am a member of Christ's body, I have been adopted as God's child, I am redeemed and forgiven, I am complete in Christ, I am established, anointed, and sealed by God, I am God's temple, His co-worker, His workmanship, AND I can approach God with freedom and confidence.
In Hebrews 11 it talks of faith. The faith that Abel had in presenting his offering to God, the faith that Noah had in preparing the ark, and many more such as Abraham, Sarah, and Moses. In verse 13 it says that "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth". In verse 15 it says that they "now desire a better, that is, a heavenly country." Going further in that chapter, it speaks of Christians and follows of God being tortured, having trials of mocking, stoning, being "sawn" into, and imprisonment.
In my life, God is asking me to give up sexual immorality. David says in Proverbs 5 to "Remove your way from her (the immoral woman, man in this case), and do not go near the door of his house, lest you give your honor to others and your years to the cruel one. Honor is defined as honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF for the sake of a man that wants to use me for his selfish intentions and make me hate myself for giving into acts of sexual release that are craved when life gets a little overwhelming. I will call on my Father in Heaven that can calm any storm.
I am going to follow my dreams because I know that He will be proud of me for achieving my dreams. He will reward me for not succumbing to sexual immorality, He will reward me for keeping myself pure for my future husband, and He will love me for me - plain ole Tracey. I am not plain ole Tracey, to God. I am his daughter, I am a member of Christ's body, I have been adopted as God's child, I am redeemed and forgiven, I am complete in Christ, I am established, anointed, and sealed by God, I am God's temple, His co-worker, His workmanship, AND I can approach God with freedom and confidence.
In Hebrews 11 it talks of faith. The faith that Abel had in presenting his offering to God, the faith that Noah had in preparing the ark, and many more such as Abraham, Sarah, and Moses. In verse 13 it says that "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth". In verse 15 it says that they "now desire a better, that is, a heavenly country." Going further in that chapter, it speaks of Christians and follows of God being tortured, having trials of mocking, stoning, being "sawn" into, and imprisonment.
In my life, God is asking me to give up sexual immorality. David says in Proverbs 5 to "Remove your way from her (the immoral woman, man in this case), and do not go near the door of his house, lest you give your honor to others and your years to the cruel one. Honor is defined as honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF for the sake of a man that wants to use me for his selfish intentions and make me hate myself for giving into acts of sexual release that are craved when life gets a little overwhelming. I will call on my Father in Heaven that can calm any storm.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Making specific goals
I am getting my Zumba certification on May 22nd. I made the decision yesterday. I am going to sign up when I get a check on the 17th. I KNOW that in order to be successful, I have to lose weight. I am going to find Zumba classes in the area where I can pay by the class. Meanwhile, I am workout at home and start taking my dream seriously. I just know that I have to be strong enough by May 22nd to be able to make it through the certification. I am sure that it will be a pretty hard cardio day. I also realize that I will feel more confident, in every aspect of my life, if I lose weight. I know that I will be more attractive to my future spouse and I will be happier when I look in the mirror.
I am also going to start putting on make-up, regularly, start dressing cute, start getting a little color, and that will help me to start feeling better about my life. I have made the following decisions: I will lose 10 pounds by April 30, I will have a part time job by next Tuesday, and I will be out of credit card debt by December, 2011. Yay! It feels good to have a plan.
When I fast forward to the end of the movie (that I am writing), I have a husband that enjoys going to the gym with me and spending time with me in other ways. This man, by the way, ADORES me. Also, my children are reaping the benefits of their mother living her dream. They are healthy, happy and enjoying the time that we are spending doing things as a family.
I know that I can achieve these dreams if I keep the movie, that I have written above, alive and in the forefront of my mind. I also HAVE to take the bull by the horns. I went into Mardel's to get an application today, instead of just filling out an application online. I also received the owner's card so that I can email him after I get the application back to the store, which will be today at 4:00, after I pick the kids up from school.
I love this scripture from Psalm 139:
You have looked deep into my heart , Lord, and you know all about me. You know when I am resting or when I am working, and from Heaven you discover my thoughts. You notice everything that I do and everywhere I go. Before I even speak a word, you know what I will say.
I am also going to start putting on make-up, regularly, start dressing cute, start getting a little color, and that will help me to start feeling better about my life. I have made the following decisions: I will lose 10 pounds by April 30, I will have a part time job by next Tuesday, and I will be out of credit card debt by December, 2011. Yay! It feels good to have a plan.
When I fast forward to the end of the movie (that I am writing), I have a husband that enjoys going to the gym with me and spending time with me in other ways. This man, by the way, ADORES me. Also, my children are reaping the benefits of their mother living her dream. They are healthy, happy and enjoying the time that we are spending doing things as a family.
I know that I can achieve these dreams if I keep the movie, that I have written above, alive and in the forefront of my mind. I also HAVE to take the bull by the horns. I went into Mardel's to get an application today, instead of just filling out an application online. I also received the owner's card so that I can email him after I get the application back to the store, which will be today at 4:00, after I pick the kids up from school.
I love this scripture from Psalm 139:
You have looked deep into my heart , Lord, and you know all about me. You know when I am resting or when I am working, and from Heaven you discover my thoughts. You notice everything that I do and everywhere I go. Before I even speak a word, you know what I will say.
Monday, March 29, 2010
My abilities
My dreams are in line with my abilities. I have the degree, the experience in fitness, and the enthusiasm needed to be an awesome fitness instructor. I want to help people in a fitness capacity. I am still asking God, daily, to fine tune my dream and reveal it to me. What I need to do first is develop a stronger body. My back has been bothering me and causing less flexibility. I need to stretch and get the kinks out.
I have already talked to many friends about my dream and they are very supportive and believe that my dreams are justified. Lord, I love you and want to stop wanting to be known and justified by friends. Lord, you can reveal my dreams and direct me in a path that will help me pursue them. You are interested in my dreams and my every thought and desire. I need to talk to you more. I need to stop feeling lonely because you are always there for me to share my life with. You created me, Lord, and you know that I want a wonderful man to share my life, that I want to be a good mom, that I want time with my children, and that I need enough money to stay afloat.
I am believing that God will bring the desires of my heart because I am delighting in Him. I also realize that I am the reason that I have not achieved my dreams so far. I have never felt worthy. I question everything, change my mind constantly, and I don't believe in myself. I know that the only way that I can start making changes, in that direction, is to continue seeking Godly counsel, stay in the word, and surround myself with Christian friends.
I am reading a book that says that sometimes the events and hurts that cause us to give up can be very painful. I think that I have been through things that have made me want to give up. The pain of not accomplishing our dreams is hard but I have to change my mindset and realize that I am a conqueror. I have made a lot of changes, already. I have let go of relationships that were with people that held me back and detoured me from my path. I know that it is detrimental to allow them back in my life because I need to run to God when I am overwhelmed, not to the bar or refrigerator. I need to rely on God's opinion of me, not the opinions that I receive from others..although they are sometimes nice to hear.
I have already talked to many friends about my dream and they are very supportive and believe that my dreams are justified. Lord, I love you and want to stop wanting to be known and justified by friends. Lord, you can reveal my dreams and direct me in a path that will help me pursue them. You are interested in my dreams and my every thought and desire. I need to talk to you more. I need to stop feeling lonely because you are always there for me to share my life with. You created me, Lord, and you know that I want a wonderful man to share my life, that I want to be a good mom, that I want time with my children, and that I need enough money to stay afloat.
I am believing that God will bring the desires of my heart because I am delighting in Him. I also realize that I am the reason that I have not achieved my dreams so far. I have never felt worthy. I question everything, change my mind constantly, and I don't believe in myself. I know that the only way that I can start making changes, in that direction, is to continue seeking Godly counsel, stay in the word, and surround myself with Christian friends.
I am reading a book that says that sometimes the events and hurts that cause us to give up can be very painful. I think that I have been through things that have made me want to give up. The pain of not accomplishing our dreams is hard but I have to change my mindset and realize that I am a conqueror. I have made a lot of changes, already. I have let go of relationships that were with people that held me back and detoured me from my path. I know that it is detrimental to allow them back in my life because I need to run to God when I am overwhelmed, not to the bar or refrigerator. I need to rely on God's opinion of me, not the opinions that I receive from others..although they are sometimes nice to hear.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Dream vs. reality
My dream, of course, is for a marriage partner but I also have dreams of being in a job that allows me to continue in my responsibilities as a mother and the time to do it effectively. I have often felt as if this was not an attainable dream. I felt this way not just because I have messed up in my chance at a good relationship and a good job but also because of my age. My dreams often seem exciting and attainable and then slowly, they turn to discouraging. Why would a good Christian man want me? I am a chubby, 41 year old dreamer. Also, why would a health club hire me when they could hire someone slim, young and beautiful.
I told plenty of people that I will get my group fitness cert when I have lost the weight needed. Shelly said that if I wait and don't pursue it when I am feeling lead, I will miss out on the blessings that God has for me. I love asking God to keep showing me my dreams and to help give me the wisdom to dis-cipher the dreams from fantasy. I need understanding and guidance. I need the self esteem to KNOW that I am worthy and that nothing is impossible with God - He will strengthen me. In John 10:10 it says that the forces of darkness come to steal your life - that fear, negativity, past hurt and false beliefs can all keep me imprisoned. If this is happening, I need to press on. The negative voices in my head are just turbulence in my flight toward my dream!
I told plenty of people that I will get my group fitness cert when I have lost the weight needed. Shelly said that if I wait and don't pursue it when I am feeling lead, I will miss out on the blessings that God has for me. I love asking God to keep showing me my dreams and to help give me the wisdom to dis-cipher the dreams from fantasy. I need understanding and guidance. I need the self esteem to KNOW that I am worthy and that nothing is impossible with God - He will strengthen me. In John 10:10 it says that the forces of darkness come to steal your life - that fear, negativity, past hurt and false beliefs can all keep me imprisoned. If this is happening, I need to press on. The negative voices in my head are just turbulence in my flight toward my dream!
Relationship dreaming
I have made a lot of relationship mistakes. I married one man because I got pregnant and he was forced by his mother to "do the right thing". I thought that he loved me and, even though he wanted me to abort the baby, that we would be happy. He soon began to prove to me how unhappy that he could make me. Taking away the mop and making me clean the floor with a rag, pushing and shoving me, and making me clean up his drunken messes was just the beginning but the way that he has treated Spencer is the worst of it. Then after being alone for 4 years, I married Dean and we were very happy until he discovered internet porn. Years later, I thought that Jason was the answer because I was tired of being alone. Honestly, that was the reason. I was dealing with situations that I never thought that I could handle alone.
I believe that I have kept myself from finding a good man because I have not felt as if I was worthy. I kept finding men that were needy. Bob Hamp explained, in Freedom classes, that we look for mates that are like our parents (alcoholics, in my case) so that we can receive different responses from them. I wanted these men to be affectionate, attentive, and comforting but, of course, that was not what I received. I also never asked God to be in on my decision of who I was suppose to marry. I am doing things different now.
I have wonderful relationships with women. These women are great communicators, they care about my feelings, they are affection, and attentive. I am just lacking any friendships with men. I did have a good relationship in 1988 with Scott, a good friendship with Nader and Zef in the 80's, and a good relationship with Josh in 2007. My relationship with Josh taught me a lesson. He was so sweet and loved the Lord. I just should have been a lot more understanding when he was not able to take me out. He would come over and eat the food that I had cooked and never reciprocated. I had a lot of jealousy, also. Looking back, I know that I could have done things a lot differently but the truth is that we weren't meant to be. It was not a relationship that God designed. Again, I never asked God if Josh was the man that he meant me to date.
The relationship that I want is one in which God will come first. We will pray together, praise God together, and study the bible together. A strong marriage based on strong belief. I am trying to remember to pray that not only will God bring a good man to me and my boys but that I am the woman that a man is praying to love. I want to be the woman of his dreams. I will not give up.
I know that God will help me fulfill my relationship dreams because He knows that they are the desires of my heart. He says that when we delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our heart and I am standing on that promise.
I believe that I have kept myself from finding a good man because I have not felt as if I was worthy. I kept finding men that were needy. Bob Hamp explained, in Freedom classes, that we look for mates that are like our parents (alcoholics, in my case) so that we can receive different responses from them. I wanted these men to be affectionate, attentive, and comforting but, of course, that was not what I received. I also never asked God to be in on my decision of who I was suppose to marry. I am doing things different now.
I have wonderful relationships with women. These women are great communicators, they care about my feelings, they are affection, and attentive. I am just lacking any friendships with men. I did have a good relationship in 1988 with Scott, a good friendship with Nader and Zef in the 80's, and a good relationship with Josh in 2007. My relationship with Josh taught me a lesson. He was so sweet and loved the Lord. I just should have been a lot more understanding when he was not able to take me out. He would come over and eat the food that I had cooked and never reciprocated. I had a lot of jealousy, also. Looking back, I know that I could have done things a lot differently but the truth is that we weren't meant to be. It was not a relationship that God designed. Again, I never asked God if Josh was the man that he meant me to date.
The relationship that I want is one in which God will come first. We will pray together, praise God together, and study the bible together. A strong marriage based on strong belief. I am trying to remember to pray that not only will God bring a good man to me and my boys but that I am the woman that a man is praying to love. I want to be the woman of his dreams. I will not give up.
I know that God will help me fulfill my relationship dreams because He knows that they are the desires of my heart. He says that when we delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our heart and I am standing on that promise.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
If you have the chance to sit it out or dance....DANCE!
I kind of like this blogging thing. I don't see people following my blog but it is fun and it is something that I can do instead of slipping into a bit of a depression...
I remember, when I was a little girl, that some of the most vivid and happy moments are when I would sneak into Richard's bedroom and turn on his record player. There was a song that I would listen to called DOA. I looked it up today on youtube. It is by a band called Bloodrock. It is not a really good song but it is a memory that I had. I also would love to listen to Charlie Rich "Behind Closed Doors". I could not have been more than 5 because we moved from Irving to Fort Worth when I was that age.
When we lived in the Bluebonnet house, I would listen to mom's Barry Manilow album. Lola was my favorite. My fondest memories, as a little girl, involve music. I have always loved singing and dancing. It is when I have been noticed, felt beautiful, felt alive. Cheerleading, in high school, was the perfect interest for me because I could dance and express myself.
If I could do anything, everyday, and money was no obstacle, it would still be something in the fitness realm. I am going to get my group fitness certification so that I can teach. I want to do something where I can dance everyday. I want to work at a job where I can move and feel free and alive. This is my dream. Now...for me to believe that I can achieve it.
I remember, when I was a little girl, that some of the most vivid and happy moments are when I would sneak into Richard's bedroom and turn on his record player. There was a song that I would listen to called DOA. I looked it up today on youtube. It is by a band called Bloodrock. It is not a really good song but it is a memory that I had. I also would love to listen to Charlie Rich "Behind Closed Doors". I could not have been more than 5 because we moved from Irving to Fort Worth when I was that age.
When we lived in the Bluebonnet house, I would listen to mom's Barry Manilow album. Lola was my favorite. My fondest memories, as a little girl, involve music. I have always loved singing and dancing. It is when I have been noticed, felt beautiful, felt alive. Cheerleading, in high school, was the perfect interest for me because I could dance and express myself.
If I could do anything, everyday, and money was no obstacle, it would still be something in the fitness realm. I am going to get my group fitness certification so that I can teach. I want to do something where I can dance everyday. I want to work at a job where I can move and feel free and alive. This is my dream. Now...for me to believe that I can achieve it.
Seeing myself as God sees me
It is so funny how things work when God is directing our life. He has a way of talking to us and revealing what is important. I have a mentor that told me that I am much more, to God, than what I am in my mind. I am reading a book called 30 days to your dreams and the chapter that I just read is entitled "See Yourself as God does" and it mirrors what Shelly was saying to me a few days ago.
I do see myself as someone important to God and that God does have wonderful plan for me but it is hard. I did not feel that way for a long time. It was not long ago that I felt as if I had received too many chances and that since I had screwed up, I did not deserve another chance. I now have been freed from that way of thinking but every once in a while, I have the enemy whispering in my ear.
God gave me the talent to communicate with people, empathize with them, and encourage them. These are the gifts that God has given me to complete a job for Him. He has created me for great things - I know that He is working on me. I feel it more and more everyday. I just know that I need to stay in the word daily because I have struggles.
Ephesians 2:10 - For I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for me to do.
The book says that children get their ideas about themselves from how they are treated. If their dreams and goals and their very selves are treated as important, then they will come to believe that they matter. When I was growing up, I was ignored and did not feel that I was important. I have gone through many classes and had many hours working through that way of thinking but I still have days that the devil will try to tell me the lies. He tells me that I am not worthy...that no one likes me. That is the time that I know that I have to get in the word.
I know that God delights in me and He has me discovering so much about myself right now. It is good to know that He loves me and has plans for me, great plans. It is important for me to see that I qualify for good things because I need to wake up and choose, daily, to be positive and happy. I need to surround myself with the right people and those that will build me up.
I do see myself as someone important to God and that God does have wonderful plan for me but it is hard. I did not feel that way for a long time. It was not long ago that I felt as if I had received too many chances and that since I had screwed up, I did not deserve another chance. I now have been freed from that way of thinking but every once in a while, I have the enemy whispering in my ear.
God gave me the talent to communicate with people, empathize with them, and encourage them. These are the gifts that God has given me to complete a job for Him. He has created me for great things - I know that He is working on me. I feel it more and more everyday. I just know that I need to stay in the word daily because I have struggles.
Ephesians 2:10 - For I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for me to do.
The book says that children get their ideas about themselves from how they are treated. If their dreams and goals and their very selves are treated as important, then they will come to believe that they matter. When I was growing up, I was ignored and did not feel that I was important. I have gone through many classes and had many hours working through that way of thinking but I still have days that the devil will try to tell me the lies. He tells me that I am not worthy...that no one likes me. That is the time that I know that I have to get in the word.
I know that God delights in me and He has me discovering so much about myself right now. It is good to know that He loves me and has plans for me, great plans. It is important for me to see that I qualify for good things because I need to wake up and choose, daily, to be positive and happy. I need to surround myself with the right people and those that will build me up.
Friday, March 26, 2010
I turn to you, dear God, in faith
Dear God, help me. I turn to you in faith and ask you to be the source of my dreams. Help me to be free of the things that have held me back from achieving my dreams, in the past, and help me become the woman that you created me to be. Please show me the steps that I need to take, give me the wisdom to see the obstacles that I have to remove, and give me the courage that I will need. Guide me, dear Lord.
I believe that God wants me to fulfill my desires. He has a special plan for me - a plan to prosper me. I have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy. I know that staying in God's word and standing in His promises will help me in achieving my dreams.
In 2 Chronicles 7:14 it says "If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."
I believe that God wants me to fulfill my desires. He has a special plan for me - a plan to prosper me. I have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy. I know that staying in God's word and standing in His promises will help me in achieving my dreams.
In 2 Chronicles 7:14 it says "If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."
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