I can't sleep. It is 2:48 in the morning and I am wide awake even though Tiffany and I are leaving in just 3 hours for North Carolina. I picked up my computer after laying down for 30 minutes without sleep and decided to blog....the strangest thing happened, an old blog that I had began over a year and a half ago came up on the screen when I went to the blogspot site. I did not even have to sign in.
I began reading the entries and I should have been embarrassed. I was so honest about the fact that I had wanted to meet a man that I wanted to just hug and kiss. How sad for that girl. She did not know the intimacy of a relationship with God..the true romance and love. She did not even yearn for an intimate, heart relationship with a man. Okay, that is not exactly true. She did yearn for that relationship but went about all the wrong ways to receive it. I have gone on and on about how much I have changed but I know that God showed me those entries so that I could realize that the man of my TRUE dreams is a man that will love me like my savior loves me.
I am reading a book by Francine Rivers, the author of Redeeming Love. It is the second book of the Mark of the Lion Series. The main character is Hadassah. She is a plain woman - she does not have striking beauty, she is not lovely to look at to any of the male characters in the book but she does have admirers. She is admired because of her heart. She is such a woman of God. She prays constantly, does not sway in her faith, she is very kind and never angry, she is very forgiving, and, therefore, very desirable.
The definition of beauty is the quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality. Hadassah is beautiful to many men because of the respect that she shows men and women alike, her strong moral character, her faithfulness, and the way she shows care to those that she encounters. I love that she is not seen as a typical beauty but that people are drawn to her because of her heart.
I am a different person from the Tracey that I read about that was struggling in so many aspects of her life. I had such a strong desire to delete the posts and hide that Tracey once and for all. I have said many times that I have changed and I am so glad for that. I am also glad that I no longer feel the desire to seek a man that will not choose to seek my heart. I have also learned that there is no truer scripture than "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and ALL these things shall be added unto you". God is molding me into the woman that I need to be so that I am "good" enough to be with the man that God intends for me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Redeeming Love
During my first night at camp, the week of June 22nd, I read a wonderful book called "Redeeming Love". It was incredible and life changing. It was the story of Hosea and Gomer - in this case Angel and Michael. It was a book that Jeri told me that God kept after her to give me to read. I understand why that is - after reading it. I really heard God saying that I am worthy and redeemable.
I am a girl that thinks that her past will scare men away but God is trying to tell me that the man that he has chosen for me will not be scared of my past. He will see me as captivating! I can find that love I am searching for - with a good, Christian, man. A man that is handsome, strong, fitness minded, Spirit led, and not well off but wealthy enough to take me to dinner and provide a decent home.
After reading the book, I spent some very beautiful, intimate time with God. It was amazing. I had been reading Redeeming Love, then the first few chapters of Hosea, then I picked up my Captivating book and he showed me AGAIN the scriptures that He wanted me to read and believe:
Hosea 2:6 - I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase after her lovers, but not overtake then; Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband for it was better for me than now" Then, in verse 14: I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. 16: And it will be in that day", says the Lord, " That you will call me "my husband" and no longer call me "my master".
God wants me to pursue HIM, not a man. He wants to have an intimate relationship with me. He does not want me to "chase" after lovers...he is my husband. He provides for me, woos me, and pursues me. He is an amazing God that wants me to long only for Him. I will have that flesh and blood man in His due time. He is showing me, in many ways, the kind of man that He desires for me and the kind of man that should be the ONLY kind that I desire. A man that will honor me, encourage me, and strengthen me.
Spending time with the Holy Spirit, I have felt many emotions - love, comfort, attention - but none of the emotions have been negative, which is different from the emotions that I have felt in the past in relationships. I don't feel pain, shame, anger, unworthiness, or unloved. I like this feeling of control and compassion.
I am a girl that thinks that her past will scare men away but God is trying to tell me that the man that he has chosen for me will not be scared of my past. He will see me as captivating! I can find that love I am searching for - with a good, Christian, man. A man that is handsome, strong, fitness minded, Spirit led, and not well off but wealthy enough to take me to dinner and provide a decent home.
After reading the book, I spent some very beautiful, intimate time with God. It was amazing. I had been reading Redeeming Love, then the first few chapters of Hosea, then I picked up my Captivating book and he showed me AGAIN the scriptures that He wanted me to read and believe:
Hosea 2:6 - I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase after her lovers, but not overtake then; Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband for it was better for me than now" Then, in verse 14: I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. 16: And it will be in that day", says the Lord, " That you will call me "my husband" and no longer call me "my master".
God wants me to pursue HIM, not a man. He wants to have an intimate relationship with me. He does not want me to "chase" after lovers...he is my husband. He provides for me, woos me, and pursues me. He is an amazing God that wants me to long only for Him. I will have that flesh and blood man in His due time. He is showing me, in many ways, the kind of man that He desires for me and the kind of man that should be the ONLY kind that I desire. A man that will honor me, encourage me, and strengthen me.
Spending time with the Holy Spirit, I have felt many emotions - love, comfort, attention - but none of the emotions have been negative, which is different from the emotions that I have felt in the past in relationships. I don't feel pain, shame, anger, unworthiness, or unloved. I like this feeling of control and compassion.
Being pursued by my Father
I have not posted a blog in such a long time. I had a great last month. I was able to go to the Camp of the Hills when the boys went to Team Focus camp, to go the following week when they were actually campers at CotH, and I spent 4 days in San Antonio with Gateway single parent families. It was a time of learning, understanding, and discovery.
I spent the evening of June 14th with God. I spent 5 hours just praying, reading and journalling. I wrote letters asking for forgiveness and focusing on freedom. Bob Hamp says that freedom is the ability to act and react to life as the person that God created you to be. I love that I am finding out exactly who I was created to be, in Christ.
I know that God created me to be a mother and that I need to have certain qualities to be a good mother. I need to be considerate, loving, patient, and most of all PRESENT. I did the 5 love languages assessment on my three youngest and found that they all had Quality Time as their first love language. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. That does not mean watching tv while talking to them. I need to spend individual time with them. Trey loves going to the store with me, Trent and I played cards the other night, and Trevor and I packed for camp and I took him this morning. It did not seem like anything big but he seemed to enjoy the time that we spent without the twins.
I also know that I need to be consistent in disciplining my children and in giving God time out of my day, EVERYDAY! I honestly feel better when I get into the word and receive affirmation from Him. I also need to work on a budget and stick with it. I am working on myself and I am so happy with the changes that I am seeing!
I spent the evening of June 14th with God. I spent 5 hours just praying, reading and journalling. I wrote letters asking for forgiveness and focusing on freedom. Bob Hamp says that freedom is the ability to act and react to life as the person that God created you to be. I love that I am finding out exactly who I was created to be, in Christ.
I know that God created me to be a mother and that I need to have certain qualities to be a good mother. I need to be considerate, loving, patient, and most of all PRESENT. I did the 5 love languages assessment on my three youngest and found that they all had Quality Time as their first love language. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. That does not mean watching tv while talking to them. I need to spend individual time with them. Trey loves going to the store with me, Trent and I played cards the other night, and Trevor and I packed for camp and I took him this morning. It did not seem like anything big but he seemed to enjoy the time that we spent without the twins.
I also know that I need to be consistent in disciplining my children and in giving God time out of my day, EVERYDAY! I honestly feel better when I get into the word and receive affirmation from Him. I also need to work on a budget and stick with it. I am working on myself and I am so happy with the changes that I am seeing!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I want to be ready ...not tired.
Waiting for something can wear you down - emotionally, physically and spiritually. Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred, makes the heart sick" and I think that it very true. You can be very focused on a dream, you can be devoted in prayer to seeing a desired outcome, and you can be so ready to receive God's blessings but then...you can get tired.
I got a call, yesterday, that I got a position at the NRH Coffee bar. I had interviewed about a month ago for a job and they hired someone else. It was for a time slot that would have been difficult for me so it was probably a good thing. They now have another position, with a much better schedule, and I am so blessed with the opportunity.
I think that sometimes, when something good happens, you have a hard time finding the energy to enjoy it. Looking back at some of the older blog posts, I spoke of the dreams that I wanted to acheive. Many of those dreams have not been obtained. I still have weight that has not been lost, I still have bills that I am not able to pay, and I have yet to go on a date but I do have the job that I was wanting. I am also getting my Zumba certification this weekend and that was a dream that I wanted to acheive. So, I am working towards living my dream.
I want to make sure that I see the blessings in my life and that I don't concentrate on the things that have not come to pass. God is working on me. It is so clear to me that God is doing wonderful things to my heart. I have been praying for discernment, understanding, and wisdom and I have been so proud of how much better I am able to understand what God wants of me and what is important. I will keep my eyes on Him.
Get wisdom, get understanding, do not forget my words or swerve from them. Don't forsake wisdom; and she will protect you - love her and she will take watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have - get understanding. Esteem her and she will honor you. She will seet up a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor. Proverbs 4:5 - 9
I got a call, yesterday, that I got a position at the NRH Coffee bar. I had interviewed about a month ago for a job and they hired someone else. It was for a time slot that would have been difficult for me so it was probably a good thing. They now have another position, with a much better schedule, and I am so blessed with the opportunity.
I think that sometimes, when something good happens, you have a hard time finding the energy to enjoy it. Looking back at some of the older blog posts, I spoke of the dreams that I wanted to acheive. Many of those dreams have not been obtained. I still have weight that has not been lost, I still have bills that I am not able to pay, and I have yet to go on a date but I do have the job that I was wanting. I am also getting my Zumba certification this weekend and that was a dream that I wanted to acheive. So, I am working towards living my dream.
I want to make sure that I see the blessings in my life and that I don't concentrate on the things that have not come to pass. God is working on me. It is so clear to me that God is doing wonderful things to my heart. I have been praying for discernment, understanding, and wisdom and I have been so proud of how much better I am able to understand what God wants of me and what is important. I will keep my eyes on Him.
Get wisdom, get understanding, do not forget my words or swerve from them. Don't forsake wisdom; and she will protect you - love her and she will take watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have - get understanding. Esteem her and she will honor you. She will seet up a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor. Proverbs 4:5 - 9
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The dark place
I am going through a season of loneliness. My life is much different than I have ever known it to be and I am not handling it well. A year ago, when I felt lonely, I would call Heather and meet her for a drink or I would just leave the house so that I would not have to feel all four walls closing in on me. I am in a much different place right now....so, why does it still feel like such a dark place?
I went to a GSA activity today and I just did not fit in so well. In high school, I was the head cheerleader and so full of energy and friends with everybody but now I struggle to find my fit. It is crazy that I am going through this. I sat with an awesome woman, Cheryl, and talked for most of the afternoon. It was great to talk to her and she is so comfortable with just being with her kids. I love being with my boys but they were all over the place today. They were swinging, diving and sliding...not activities that I cared to join in.
There were a group of GSA people that were all hanging out together. I have never felt comfortable with that group of people and I don't really think that they even know my name. I honestly have never cared that I was not included in their clique until I was obviously not included. Which is a silly statement. It did punctuate the statement that I said earlier, though, - I am going through a season of loneliness.
I watched TD Jakes on television today and he was talking on Samson. He said that Samson, after being tempted by Delilah, beaten and shackled, was taken to a dark place. He went on to say that everyone that God has ever "used" has been taken to a dark place. The dark place can be a place of regret, a place of shame, a place of loneliness, a place that has lost it's sense of pleasure, etc. He also said that the dark place is not a place where God has left you. You will never know your greatest task until you have been through a dark place.
TD Jake's church then began to jump up and down, praising God. They were shouting as if the burden had been lifted, they were laughing as if the healing had come, they were smiling as if the bills had been paid, they were jumping as if "Mr. Right" was right there in sight. Okay, so do I need to rejoice in this dark place - knowing that God's provision is on the way? I will pray, tonight, for God to show me how to do that.
I went to a GSA activity today and I just did not fit in so well. In high school, I was the head cheerleader and so full of energy and friends with everybody but now I struggle to find my fit. It is crazy that I am going through this. I sat with an awesome woman, Cheryl, and talked for most of the afternoon. It was great to talk to her and she is so comfortable with just being with her kids. I love being with my boys but they were all over the place today. They were swinging, diving and sliding...not activities that I cared to join in.
There were a group of GSA people that were all hanging out together. I have never felt comfortable with that group of people and I don't really think that they even know my name. I honestly have never cared that I was not included in their clique until I was obviously not included. Which is a silly statement. It did punctuate the statement that I said earlier, though, - I am going through a season of loneliness.
I watched TD Jakes on television today and he was talking on Samson. He said that Samson, after being tempted by Delilah, beaten and shackled, was taken to a dark place. He went on to say that everyone that God has ever "used" has been taken to a dark place. The dark place can be a place of regret, a place of shame, a place of loneliness, a place that has lost it's sense of pleasure, etc. He also said that the dark place is not a place where God has left you. You will never know your greatest task until you have been through a dark place.
TD Jake's church then began to jump up and down, praising God. They were shouting as if the burden had been lifted, they were laughing as if the healing had come, they were smiling as if the bills had been paid, they were jumping as if "Mr. Right" was right there in sight. Okay, so do I need to rejoice in this dark place - knowing that God's provision is on the way? I will pray, tonight, for God to show me how to do that.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Fear
I posted the blog from yesterday, on discovering my dream, on facebook. Oh my gosh, how difficult that was. (smile) I was going to post, log off, and not think of it again all day BUT Spencer came online, chatting from Afghanistan, and, of course, I had to talk to him. It was like he was sitting across from me. I shared my anxiety and fear. I don't know why I behave this way - I mean, it is not as if anyone is ready the post and putting more than 5 minutes thought into it. I know that I have to be the silliest girl EVER!
I worried about haters leaving comments, I worried about the comments from old high school friends that knew me when the biggest worry on my mind would be whether I spilled something on my shirt during lunch, and I worried about those that would think "why is she STILL dwelling on her past by even blogging about this?" I just went to God and felt better but the fears started filling my thoughts again after a few hours. I swear, I am my worst cheerleader.
I went to bed knowing that the first thing that I would do when I got up today was to delete the post. I really think that it is odd that I was even worried about the post that I had submitted 12 hours before, but it was a real, true fear. What was my fear exactly? That I would not be hiding anymore? That I would have to follow the dream that I shared with all my facebook friends? Or that someone might judge me regarding the small amount of my past that I had shared? I know that I over-analyze everything. I was so proud of myself when I woke up and started spending time with the boys instead.
I will follow that dream. It may be after the busy time in the summer has passed. I am not sure but I do remember when I was first reading the 21 days of the year devotionals, after the first conference, that spoke of God speaking things into our lives. There are things that "call" us to make a change. I also think about the study that I began on ID groups and understanding our identity in Christ. It spoke of some things that would make us feel sad, some that we know that others should do in the world to make a difference, and some things that we should do because we know that God has called us to make a difference. I truly believe that I am called to help women that feel unworthy and alone - women that are 15 - 25 years old. Single parents, pregnant women, and such. There is something that I can do.
I worried about haters leaving comments, I worried about the comments from old high school friends that knew me when the biggest worry on my mind would be whether I spilled something on my shirt during lunch, and I worried about those that would think "why is she STILL dwelling on her past by even blogging about this?" I just went to God and felt better but the fears started filling my thoughts again after a few hours. I swear, I am my worst cheerleader.
I went to bed knowing that the first thing that I would do when I got up today was to delete the post. I really think that it is odd that I was even worried about the post that I had submitted 12 hours before, but it was a real, true fear. What was my fear exactly? That I would not be hiding anymore? That I would have to follow the dream that I shared with all my facebook friends? Or that someone might judge me regarding the small amount of my past that I had shared? I know that I over-analyze everything. I was so proud of myself when I woke up and started spending time with the boys instead.
I will follow that dream. It may be after the busy time in the summer has passed. I am not sure but I do remember when I was first reading the 21 days of the year devotionals, after the first conference, that spoke of God speaking things into our lives. There are things that "call" us to make a change. I also think about the study that I began on ID groups and understanding our identity in Christ. It spoke of some things that would make us feel sad, some that we know that others should do in the world to make a difference, and some things that we should do because we know that God has called us to make a difference. I truly believe that I am called to help women that feel unworthy and alone - women that are 15 - 25 years old. Single parents, pregnant women, and such. There is something that I can do.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Maybe I finally know my calling!
I have been so consumed over the last few months with finding where God wants me! So consumed with living the life that God has planned for me. Lets be honest, I have been so consumed with FINALLY finding love, a career, and everything else that would make my life "normal" that I stopped seeing the wonderful blessings that I already have. I have also been so scared of people finding out the true Tracey that I have driven my inner circle crazy with never ending talks of my past and how wonderful I am doing now...so that they can validate my feelings of worth.
This world can be so nasty! When my world was falling apart, a couple of years ago, (for the fourth or fifth time), I wrote a sad and angry post that was on myspace for anyone to see. I was a weak, emotionally unfit person that just wanted to lash out and take prisoners. Now, I post this to possibly help somebody. If I hurt anyone in this post, I am TRULY sorry.
I have read wayyy too many self help books in the past two years. Some funny, some sad...but many have helped me to understand myself. When reading the Strength Finders book, I learned that my strengths are woo (this was a no-brainer for me - I always try to win others over and want people to like me), empathy, and communication. I began volunteering at church every week and, though this has been so fun and rewarding, it is still not my "calling". I may have finally figured it out.
I read a post from a sweet, beautiful woman yesterday that cut me to the core. I mean...it hit me straight between the eyes and brought me, later, to my knees. It was a beautiful picture of a young woman, a pregnant young woman, that had her face down, puffy eyes and said that she had not slept all night long. This girl had married a man six months ago that she believed was the man of her dreams. He left her two weeks ago and her bright, happy spark disappeared. When I read her post and began reading the "friends" comments, I became outraged. There was a comment that said "you reap what you sow". I responded that we are not to be ANYONE'S judge and jury. I am so amazed that people still can't grasp that concept!
I remember when I was a young girl. I wanted affection, attention, and comfort soo desperately. I want to emphasize SO DESPERATELY. This girl that later finds that her main strength is wooing people was not able to woo the main people that she wanted to woo in her life. All I am going to say is that I know that the people from which I had wanted to receive love from were not emotionally fit to know how to give love. So, I was so much like the girl that I speak of above. I got married at 20 to a man that gave me a beautiful gift, Spencer, but also gave me endless days of crying, more than a few bruises, and the lowest self esteem that I thought was possible. He also gave me the most horrible feeling of unworthiness that anyone could ever have. I carried that unworthy feeling around with me for 40 years.
I am finished with telling my story. I have gone to countless classes since January, 2009 where I have cried about my past but kept picking up my baggage, time and again. I keep crying over my weight, crying about my children's loss, crying over my single life, and crying over my lack of ambition. Let me say right NOW: I am done. It is time to get over myself and start helping other young, pregnant, desperate women realize that they are so worthy, so beautiful, so captivating, and so deserving. I don't know how, exactly, that I am going to start doing this but God will guide me, of this I am sure. I am so ready to cry with women that are hurting and offer a solution.
I have been blogging for a few months now and have never posted anything for fear of being "seen". There are still things that I will leave private for those that really care about me (God is teaching me discernment :) but there are some things that need to be "seen" so that they may help someone else. I looked up the definition of woo: to solicit or entreat especially with importunity. It blows my mind that I have been so busy wooing others that I had stopped wooing myself. I am important, along with everyone else out there that has made mistakes or continues to make mistakes.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
II Timothy 1:8
This world can be so nasty! When my world was falling apart, a couple of years ago, (for the fourth or fifth time), I wrote a sad and angry post that was on myspace for anyone to see. I was a weak, emotionally unfit person that just wanted to lash out and take prisoners. Now, I post this to possibly help somebody. If I hurt anyone in this post, I am TRULY sorry.
I have read wayyy too many self help books in the past two years. Some funny, some sad...but many have helped me to understand myself. When reading the Strength Finders book, I learned that my strengths are woo (this was a no-brainer for me - I always try to win others over and want people to like me), empathy, and communication. I began volunteering at church every week and, though this has been so fun and rewarding, it is still not my "calling". I may have finally figured it out.
I read a post from a sweet, beautiful woman yesterday that cut me to the core. I mean...it hit me straight between the eyes and brought me, later, to my knees. It was a beautiful picture of a young woman, a pregnant young woman, that had her face down, puffy eyes and said that she had not slept all night long. This girl had married a man six months ago that she believed was the man of her dreams. He left her two weeks ago and her bright, happy spark disappeared. When I read her post and began reading the "friends" comments, I became outraged. There was a comment that said "you reap what you sow". I responded that we are not to be ANYONE'S judge and jury. I am so amazed that people still can't grasp that concept!
I remember when I was a young girl. I wanted affection, attention, and comfort soo desperately. I want to emphasize SO DESPERATELY. This girl that later finds that her main strength is wooing people was not able to woo the main people that she wanted to woo in her life. All I am going to say is that I know that the people from which I had wanted to receive love from were not emotionally fit to know how to give love. So, I was so much like the girl that I speak of above. I got married at 20 to a man that gave me a beautiful gift, Spencer, but also gave me endless days of crying, more than a few bruises, and the lowest self esteem that I thought was possible. He also gave me the most horrible feeling of unworthiness that anyone could ever have. I carried that unworthy feeling around with me for 40 years.
I am finished with telling my story. I have gone to countless classes since January, 2009 where I have cried about my past but kept picking up my baggage, time and again. I keep crying over my weight, crying about my children's loss, crying over my single life, and crying over my lack of ambition. Let me say right NOW: I am done. It is time to get over myself and start helping other young, pregnant, desperate women realize that they are so worthy, so beautiful, so captivating, and so deserving. I don't know how, exactly, that I am going to start doing this but God will guide me, of this I am sure. I am so ready to cry with women that are hurting and offer a solution.
I have been blogging for a few months now and have never posted anything for fear of being "seen". There are still things that I will leave private for those that really care about me (God is teaching me discernment :) but there are some things that need to be "seen" so that they may help someone else. I looked up the definition of woo: to solicit or entreat especially with importunity. It blows my mind that I have been so busy wooing others that I had stopped wooing myself. I am important, along with everyone else out there that has made mistakes or continues to make mistakes.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
II Timothy 1:8
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