I will walk by faith

I am pumped!! I am so excited about life for the first time in quite a while. I worked out the last couple of days and turned in an application at a job that I really want. God is great and he has revealed to me, in more than one way, that I am seen and known by Him. Shelly gave me an amazing revelation and peace gave me another. Peace is define as inner contentment and serenity. I experienced peace, yesterday, as I sat outside and called out to God about how much he loves me. I am so in love with God. It is funny because when I am in love with a man, I dress up for him, I think of him first thing in the morning, I love to impress him by working out and knowing that he would be impressed with my self control, I love to write letters to him and talk to him about my day. It is the same way with God. I can't wait to let him know how I behaved in a way that would glorify Him, I can't wait to tell my children things that show my dedication to Him, and I can't wait to look in the mirror when I have spent time getting ready, knowing that I look pretty to Him.
I am going to follow my dreams because I know that He will be proud of me for achieving my dreams. He will reward me for not succumbing to sexual immorality, He will reward me for keeping myself pure for my future husband, and He will love me for me - plain ole Tracey. I am not plain ole Tracey, to God. I am his daughter, I am a member of Christ's body, I have been adopted as God's child, I am redeemed and forgiven, I am complete in Christ, I am established, anointed, and sealed by God, I am God's temple, His co-worker, His workmanship, AND I can approach God with freedom and confidence.
In Hebrews 11 it talks of faith. The faith that Abel had in presenting his offering to God, the faith that Noah had in preparing the ark, and many more such as Abraham, Sarah, and Moses. In verse 13 it says that "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth". In verse 15 it says that they "now desire a better, that is, a heavenly country." Going further in that chapter, it speaks of Christians and follows of God being tortured, having trials of mocking, stoning, being "sawn" into, and imprisonment.
In my life, God is asking me to give up sexual immorality. David says in Proverbs 5 to "Remove your way from her (the immoral woman, man in this case), and do not go near the door of his house, lest you give your honor to others and your years to the cruel one. Honor is defined as honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF for the sake of a man that wants to use me for his selfish intentions and make me hate myself for giving into acts of sexual release that are craved when life gets a little overwhelming. I will call on my Father in Heaven that can calm any storm.

Making specific goals

I am getting my Zumba certification on May 22nd. I made the decision yesterday. I am going to sign up when I get a check on the 17th. I KNOW that in order to be successful, I have to lose weight. I am going to find Zumba classes in the area where I can pay by the class. Meanwhile, I am workout at home and start taking my dream seriously. I just know that I have to be strong enough by May 22nd to be able to make it through the certification. I am sure that it will be a pretty hard cardio day. I also realize that I will feel more confident, in every aspect of my life, if I lose weight. I know that I will be more attractive to my future spouse and I will be happier when I look in the mirror.
I am also going to start putting on make-up, regularly, start dressing cute, start getting a little color, and that will help me to start feeling better about my life. I have made the following decisions: I will lose 10 pounds by April 30, I will have a part time job by next Tuesday, and I will be out of credit card debt by December, 2011. Yay! It feels good to have a plan.
When I fast forward to the end of the movie (that I am writing), I have a husband that enjoys going to the gym with me and spending time with me in other ways. This man, by the way, ADORES me. Also, my children are reaping the benefits of their mother living her dream. They are healthy, happy and enjoying the time that we are spending doing things as a family.
I know that I can achieve these dreams if I keep the movie, that I have written above, alive and in the forefront of my mind. I also HAVE to take the bull by the horns. I went into Mardel's to get an application today, instead of just filling out an application online. I also received the owner's card so that I can email him after I get the application back to the store, which will be today at 4:00, after I pick the kids up from school.
I love this scripture from Psalm 139:

You have looked deep into my heart , Lord, and you know all about me. You know when I am resting or when I am working, and from Heaven you discover my thoughts. You notice everything that I do and everywhere I go. Before I even speak a word, you know what I will say.

My abilities

My dreams are in line with my abilities. I have the degree, the experience in fitness, and the enthusiasm needed to be an awesome fitness instructor. I want to help people in a fitness capacity. I am still asking God, daily, to fine tune my dream and reveal it to me. What I need to do first is develop a stronger body. My back has been bothering me and causing less flexibility. I need to stretch and get the kinks out.
I have already talked to many friends about my dream and they are very supportive and believe that my dreams are justified. Lord, I love you and want to stop wanting to be known and justified by friends. Lord, you can reveal my dreams and direct me in a path that will help me pursue them. You are interested in my dreams and my every thought and desire. I need to talk to you more. I need to stop feeling lonely because you are always there for me to share my life with. You created me, Lord, and you know that I want a wonderful man to share my life, that I want to be a good mom, that I want time with my children, and that I need enough money to stay afloat.
I am believing that God will bring the desires of my heart because I am delighting in Him. I also realize that I am the reason that I have not achieved my dreams so far. I have never felt worthy. I question everything, change my mind constantly, and I don't believe in myself. I know that the only way that I can start making changes, in that direction, is to continue seeking Godly counsel, stay in the word, and surround myself with Christian friends.
I am reading a book that says that sometimes the events and hurts that cause us to give up can be very painful. I think that I have been through things that have made me want to give up. The pain of not accomplishing our dreams is hard but I have to change my mindset and realize that I am a conqueror. I have made a lot of changes, already. I have let go of relationships that were with people that held me back and detoured me from my path. I know that it is detrimental to allow them back in my life because I need to run to God when I am overwhelmed, not to the bar or refrigerator. I need to rely on God's opinion of me, not the opinions that I receive from others..although they are sometimes nice to hear.

Dream vs. reality

My dream, of course, is for a marriage partner but I also have dreams of being in a job that allows me to continue in my responsibilities as a mother and the time to do it effectively. I have often felt as if this was not an attainable dream. I felt this way not just because I have messed up in my chance at a good relationship and a good job but also because of my age. My dreams often seem exciting and attainable and then slowly, they turn to discouraging. Why would a good Christian man want me? I am a chubby, 41 year old dreamer. Also, why would a health club hire me when they could hire someone slim, young and beautiful.
I told plenty of people that I will get my group fitness cert when I have lost the weight needed. Shelly said that if I wait and don't pursue it when I am feeling lead, I will miss out on the blessings that God has for me. I love asking God to keep showing me my dreams and to help give me the wisdom to dis-cipher the dreams from fantasy. I need understanding and guidance. I need the self esteem to KNOW that I am worthy and that nothing is impossible with God - He will strengthen me. In John 10:10 it says that the forces of darkness come to steal your life - that fear, negativity, past hurt and false beliefs can all keep me imprisoned. If this is happening, I need to press on. The negative voices in my head are just turbulence in my flight toward my dream!

Relationship dreaming

I have made a lot of relationship mistakes. I married one man because I got pregnant and he was forced by his mother to "do the right thing". I thought that he loved me and, even though he wanted me to abort the baby, that we would be happy. He soon began to prove to me how unhappy that he could make me. Taking away the mop and making me clean the floor with a rag, pushing and shoving me, and making me clean up his drunken messes was just the beginning but the way that he has treated Spencer is the worst of it. Then after being alone for 4 years, I married Dean and we were very happy until he discovered internet porn. Years later, I thought that Jason was the answer because I was tired of being alone. Honestly, that was the reason. I was dealing with situations that I never thought that I could handle alone.
I believe that I have kept myself from finding a good man because I have not felt as if I was worthy. I kept finding men that were needy. Bob Hamp explained, in Freedom classes, that we look for mates that are like our parents (alcoholics, in my case) so that we can receive different responses from them. I wanted these men to be affectionate, attentive, and comforting but, of course, that was not what I received. I also never asked God to be in on my decision of who I was suppose to marry. I am doing things different now.
I have wonderful relationships with women. These women are great communicators, they care about my feelings, they are affection, and attentive. I am just lacking any friendships with men. I did have a good relationship in 1988 with Scott, a good friendship with Nader and Zef in the 80's, and a good relationship with Josh in 2007. My relationship with Josh taught me a lesson. He was so sweet and loved the Lord. I just should have been a lot more understanding when he was not able to take me out. He would come over and eat the food that I had cooked and never reciprocated. I had a lot of jealousy, also. Looking back, I know that I could have done things a lot differently but the truth is that we weren't meant to be. It was not a relationship that God designed. Again, I never asked God if Josh was the man that he meant me to date.
The relationship that I want is one in which God will come first. We will pray together, praise God together, and study the bible together. A strong marriage based on strong belief. I am trying to remember to pray that not only will God bring a good man to me and my boys but that I am the woman that a man is praying to love. I want to be the woman of his dreams. I will not give up.
I know that God will help me fulfill my relationship dreams because He knows that they are the desires of my heart. He says that when we delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our heart and I am standing on that promise.

If you have the chance to sit it out or dance....DANCE!

I kind of like this blogging thing. I don't see people following my blog but it is fun and it is something that I can do instead of slipping into a bit of a depression...
I remember, when I was a little girl, that some of the most vivid and happy moments are when I would sneak into Richard's bedroom and turn on his record player. There was a song that I would listen to called DOA. I looked it up today on youtube. It is by a band called Bloodrock. It is not a really good song but it is a memory that I had. I also would love to listen to Charlie Rich "Behind Closed Doors". I could not have been more than 5 because we moved from Irving to Fort Worth when I was that age.
When we lived in the Bluebonnet house, I would listen to mom's Barry Manilow album. Lola was my favorite. My fondest memories, as a little girl, involve music. I have always loved singing and dancing. It is when I have been noticed, felt beautiful, felt alive. Cheerleading, in high school, was the perfect interest for me because I could dance and express myself.
If I could do anything, everyday, and money was no obstacle, it would still be something in the fitness realm. I am going to get my group fitness certification so that I can teach. I want to do something where I can dance everyday. I want to work at a job where I can move and feel free and alive. This is my dream. Now...for me to believe that I can achieve it.

Seeing myself as God sees me

It is so funny how things work when God is directing our life. He has a way of talking to us and revealing what is important. I have a mentor that told me that I am much more, to God, than what I am in my mind. I am reading a book called 30 days to your dreams and the chapter that I just read is entitled "See Yourself as God does" and it mirrors what Shelly was saying to me a few days ago.
I do see myself as someone important to God and that God does have wonderful plan for me but it is hard. I did not feel that way for a long time. It was not long ago that I felt as if I had received too many chances and that since I had screwed up, I did not deserve another chance. I now have been freed from that way of thinking but every once in a while, I have the enemy whispering in my ear.
God gave me the talent to communicate with people, empathize with them, and encourage them. These are the gifts that God has given me to complete a job for Him. He has created me for great things - I know that He is working on me. I feel it more and more everyday. I just know that I need to stay in the word daily because I have struggles.

Ephesians 2:10 - For I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for me to do.

The book says that children get their ideas about themselves from how they are treated. If their dreams and goals and their very selves are treated as important, then they will come to believe that they matter. When I was growing up, I was ignored and did not feel that I was important. I have gone through many classes and had many hours working through that way of thinking but I still have days that the devil will try to tell me the lies. He tells me that I am not worthy...that no one likes me. That is the time that I know that I have to get in the word.
I know that God delights in me and He has me discovering so much about myself right now. It is good to know that He loves me and has plans for me, great plans. It is important for me to see that I qualify for good things because I need to wake up and choose, daily, to be positive and happy. I need to surround myself with the right people and those that will build me up.

I turn to you, dear God, in faith

Dear God, help me. I turn to you in faith and ask you to be the source of my dreams. Help me to be free of the things that have held me back from achieving my dreams, in the past, and help me become the woman that you created me to be. Please show me the steps that I need to take, give me the wisdom to see the obstacles that I have to remove, and give me the courage that I will need. Guide me, dear Lord.
I believe that God wants me to fulfill my desires. He has a special plan for me - a plan to prosper me. I have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy. I know that staying in God's word and standing in His promises will help me in achieving my dreams.
In 2 Chronicles 7:14 it says "If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."