Dream vs. reality

My dream, of course, is for a marriage partner but I also have dreams of being in a job that allows me to continue in my responsibilities as a mother and the time to do it effectively. I have often felt as if this was not an attainable dream. I felt this way not just because I have messed up in my chance at a good relationship and a good job but also because of my age. My dreams often seem exciting and attainable and then slowly, they turn to discouraging. Why would a good Christian man want me? I am a chubby, 41 year old dreamer. Also, why would a health club hire me when they could hire someone slim, young and beautiful.
I told plenty of people that I will get my group fitness cert when I have lost the weight needed. Shelly said that if I wait and don't pursue it when I am feeling lead, I will miss out on the blessings that God has for me. I love asking God to keep showing me my dreams and to help give me the wisdom to dis-cipher the dreams from fantasy. I need understanding and guidance. I need the self esteem to KNOW that I am worthy and that nothing is impossible with God - He will strengthen me. In John 10:10 it says that the forces of darkness come to steal your life - that fear, negativity, past hurt and false beliefs can all keep me imprisoned. If this is happening, I need to press on. The negative voices in my head are just turbulence in my flight toward my dream!

Relationship dreaming

I have made a lot of relationship mistakes. I married one man because I got pregnant and he was forced by his mother to "do the right thing". I thought that he loved me and, even though he wanted me to abort the baby, that we would be happy. He soon began to prove to me how unhappy that he could make me. Taking away the mop and making me clean the floor with a rag, pushing and shoving me, and making me clean up his drunken messes was just the beginning but the way that he has treated Spencer is the worst of it. Then after being alone for 4 years, I married Dean and we were very happy until he discovered internet porn. Years later, I thought that Jason was the answer because I was tired of being alone. Honestly, that was the reason. I was dealing with situations that I never thought that I could handle alone.
I believe that I have kept myself from finding a good man because I have not felt as if I was worthy. I kept finding men that were needy. Bob Hamp explained, in Freedom classes, that we look for mates that are like our parents (alcoholics, in my case) so that we can receive different responses from them. I wanted these men to be affectionate, attentive, and comforting but, of course, that was not what I received. I also never asked God to be in on my decision of who I was suppose to marry. I am doing things different now.
I have wonderful relationships with women. These women are great communicators, they care about my feelings, they are affection, and attentive. I am just lacking any friendships with men. I did have a good relationship in 1988 with Scott, a good friendship with Nader and Zef in the 80's, and a good relationship with Josh in 2007. My relationship with Josh taught me a lesson. He was so sweet and loved the Lord. I just should have been a lot more understanding when he was not able to take me out. He would come over and eat the food that I had cooked and never reciprocated. I had a lot of jealousy, also. Looking back, I know that I could have done things a lot differently but the truth is that we weren't meant to be. It was not a relationship that God designed. Again, I never asked God if Josh was the man that he meant me to date.
The relationship that I want is one in which God will come first. We will pray together, praise God together, and study the bible together. A strong marriage based on strong belief. I am trying to remember to pray that not only will God bring a good man to me and my boys but that I am the woman that a man is praying to love. I want to be the woman of his dreams. I will not give up.
I know that God will help me fulfill my relationship dreams because He knows that they are the desires of my heart. He says that when we delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our heart and I am standing on that promise.

I turn to you, dear God, in faith

Dear God, help me. I turn to you in faith and ask you to be the source of my dreams. Help me to be free of the things that have held me back from achieving my dreams, in the past, and help me become the woman that you created me to be. Please show me the steps that I need to take, give me the wisdom to see the obstacles that I have to remove, and give me the courage that I will need. Guide me, dear Lord.
I believe that God wants me to fulfill my desires. He has a special plan for me - a plan to prosper me. I have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy. I know that staying in God's word and standing in His promises will help me in achieving my dreams.
In 2 Chronicles 7:14 it says "If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."