I have gone 13 days without even a small bit of chocolate. WOW! I mean that is BIG! I have not had rice, potatoes, bread or pasta either. I have had crackers, knowing that I should not have but I realize that I made a mistake and tomorrow is a new day! I have not been on the scale since the beginning of the week because I am not feeling like my clothes are feeling loose. I do have an interview on Wednesday and I am working steadily for Kristi so I am bringing money into my home.
I do feel disappointed with my lack of weight loss but I have been putting on make-up and fixing my hair and it does make a big difference with my self esteem. I understand that one of the reasons that I am not achieving my wight loss goals is that I am comforting myself with food. I do have to say that I feel more in control since I am not eating as many carbs. I also realize that when I am eating for comfort reasons, that I should go outside and walk around the block or pick up my bible.
I know that God is faithful. Psalm 145:19 says "He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." I am maintaining a constant connection with God and I am totally leaning on Him. I talk to Him about my dreams but there are so many other things that I talk to Him about, such as: my finances, my children, for wisdom and understanding, and I am always giving thanks to Him for the blessings that He has bestowed upon me.
I do love the volunteer work that I am doing at Gateway in the single's ministry, as well as in the Hospitality department. It is a way for me to give back. I also have been staying in the word daily, which helps me stay positive and happy. I am also constantly staying accountable to Shelly and she is aware of my every action, honestly. She is also aware of my thoughts and feelings. I am proud to say that I am living a pure life, with no addictive behaviors. YAY ME!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Patience is a virtue
My dreams will take some time to achieve but that is a hard reality to admit. It is especially hard to wait for God to bring the right man into my life but it is also hard to wait on weight loss, for the job that will fit my family and I, and hard to fit exercise into an already busy day.
As far as the relationship is concerned, I realize a lot of things but the realization does not make it any easier. I realize that I have changed a lot and that I don't want to attract the same men anymore. I DO wish that I had male friends, though. I was reading the single pastor's FaceBook page and he posted a few questions on dating vs. friends. One of the girls that is now married said that her friendships with male friends helped her achieve the relationship that she now has with her husband. That is so nice. I just don't have close men that are friends. I have be praying for that but, of course, the prayers often then continue to the subject of a more intimate relationship.
Shelly said that I need to make the decision to praise God regardless if she blesses me with a relationship or not. OF COURSE. I love the way that I am being wooed by God but that is also showing me the way that I can be wooed by the right man. God is fulfilling more than any lover has ever fulfilled. He truly is my provider, husband, the father of my children, etc...but I want a flesh and blood man to make me feel desirable. I don't think that is such a bad thing - that is how God made women...to desire to be known, to take part in an adventure, and to be rescued. I just feel discouraged when I am around so many couples that are getting engaged and moving on to the next stage in life. I am not jealous, I just want to show myself how I can woo, love, care, trust...all the things that God is teaching me so well...I want to have a man to share those things with. I want something meaningful and beautiful.
Now, the fact that I am not in a healthy relationship does not make me want to go towards an unhealthy relationship. I have gone that route and I know the outcome. Now, I would lie if I said that I did not want to go out to a club and dance the night away. I don't want to meet anyone to dance with but I do want to dance. I know that with the right group of girls, I could go and feel completely fine but there are a few friends that I need to steer clear of, right now, and know that God will bless me for that. I guess the fact that I am home on a Friday night, which would have been unheard of two years ago, is the reason that I would like to be out on a dance floor right now. I know that the remedy to getting what I want, more than any other option, is to continue to pray!!
Another realization that I have found is that IF I were in that serious relationship, I would not have the time to continue spending time with the wonderful, single ladies that I am growing lasting relationships with. If I had already reached this dream, I would not enjoy the process of getting to know myself, like I have through reading, studying, and the mentoring process. I also know that if I wanted to hurry along the process, I could begin dating but I do not enjoy meeting a stranger and having to measure up to their expectations and the expectations that I have set for them. Dating sites will never again be an option. I will continue to be patient because my past is a testimony for what my impatience cost me. I had so much pain and anger, loss of self esteem, and loss of respect for myself. If I had just waited and gave God control, like I am now...I would have never dated the losers of the past and I could possibly already have achieved ALL the goals that I have for myself.
Inn Galations 5:22, God calls patience "the fruit of the spirit". I am going to begin praying for patience, along with the wisdom and understanding that I have already been praying to receive.
As far as the relationship is concerned, I realize a lot of things but the realization does not make it any easier. I realize that I have changed a lot and that I don't want to attract the same men anymore. I DO wish that I had male friends, though. I was reading the single pastor's FaceBook page and he posted a few questions on dating vs. friends. One of the girls that is now married said that her friendships with male friends helped her achieve the relationship that she now has with her husband. That is so nice. I just don't have close men that are friends. I have be praying for that but, of course, the prayers often then continue to the subject of a more intimate relationship.
Shelly said that I need to make the decision to praise God regardless if she blesses me with a relationship or not. OF COURSE. I love the way that I am being wooed by God but that is also showing me the way that I can be wooed by the right man. God is fulfilling more than any lover has ever fulfilled. He truly is my provider, husband, the father of my children, etc...but I want a flesh and blood man to make me feel desirable. I don't think that is such a bad thing - that is how God made women...to desire to be known, to take part in an adventure, and to be rescued. I just feel discouraged when I am around so many couples that are getting engaged and moving on to the next stage in life. I am not jealous, I just want to show myself how I can woo, love, care, trust...all the things that God is teaching me so well...I want to have a man to share those things with. I want something meaningful and beautiful.
Now, the fact that I am not in a healthy relationship does not make me want to go towards an unhealthy relationship. I have gone that route and I know the outcome. Now, I would lie if I said that I did not want to go out to a club and dance the night away. I don't want to meet anyone to dance with but I do want to dance. I know that with the right group of girls, I could go and feel completely fine but there are a few friends that I need to steer clear of, right now, and know that God will bless me for that. I guess the fact that I am home on a Friday night, which would have been unheard of two years ago, is the reason that I would like to be out on a dance floor right now. I know that the remedy to getting what I want, more than any other option, is to continue to pray!!
Another realization that I have found is that IF I were in that serious relationship, I would not have the time to continue spending time with the wonderful, single ladies that I am growing lasting relationships with. If I had already reached this dream, I would not enjoy the process of getting to know myself, like I have through reading, studying, and the mentoring process. I also know that if I wanted to hurry along the process, I could begin dating but I do not enjoy meeting a stranger and having to measure up to their expectations and the expectations that I have set for them. Dating sites will never again be an option. I will continue to be patient because my past is a testimony for what my impatience cost me. I had so much pain and anger, loss of self esteem, and loss of respect for myself. If I had just waited and gave God control, like I am now...I would have never dated the losers of the past and I could possibly already have achieved ALL the goals that I have for myself.
Inn Galations 5:22, God calls patience "the fruit of the spirit". I am going to begin praying for patience, along with the wisdom and understanding that I have already been praying to receive.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Distractions, distractions, distractions
I have been ignoring a lot of things - a lot of outside influences - so that I can work on my dreams. I am saying "no" to meeting up with friends and even doing good things like attending service. I have been volunteering at church and then watching the service online so that I can take better notes and have less distractions. It is also good because I am able to react and stop and ponder the things that were just said by the pastor.
I am not going to get in the practice of missing the service because I get so much out of being with the body of believers but I also have that chance when attending GSA on Monday nights. I am just being very conscious of the other things that I also need to accomplish so that I can make the best of my time. I also am taking time to rest. Saturday night, I did not get a lot of sleep so I took a much needed nap because I am also realizing the importance of rest.
I realized, this weekend, a lot of other things. Okay, this sounds so silly but it was big for me. I realized that, in my past, I played the blame game often. I spent time, last night, writing in my journal after reading Captivating and then this weekend's sermon backed up what I wrote. It is my dream to be loved in a way that makes me feel valued, set apart, and truly loved for the first time in my life. I have often told friends that I have never been truly loved; that if things were not right in the relationship, I complained. I did have some pretty extreme problems in the relationships but I always threw in the towel. I then would complain about the relationship, place blame, and express my disappointment but I never realized how disappointed the men must have been. As I said, some cases were very extreme and I had a right to walk away from the marriage but I still had blame. I am still learning the qualities that I want in a man but, maybe, I need to turn the tables and realize that there are some pretty important qualities that God, and my future husband, may want me to possess.
I loved the positive thoughts that are keeping me distracted, like those above, but there are a lot of other distractions that I am learning to decline. I am learning that the distractions that are of this world are those that make me feel weak, tired, and ultimately disappointed. I realize that many of these "life lessons" that I am learning are things that many people learned by their mid twenties but I am just now receiving the proper teaching. Shelly also talked to me about making and following through with a list... just a short list of things that I want to accomplish for the day and I completed almost everything on my list...I have just a few more things to do...right now! : )
I am not going to get in the practice of missing the service because I get so much out of being with the body of believers but I also have that chance when attending GSA on Monday nights. I am just being very conscious of the other things that I also need to accomplish so that I can make the best of my time. I also am taking time to rest. Saturday night, I did not get a lot of sleep so I took a much needed nap because I am also realizing the importance of rest.
I realized, this weekend, a lot of other things. Okay, this sounds so silly but it was big for me. I realized that, in my past, I played the blame game often. I spent time, last night, writing in my journal after reading Captivating and then this weekend's sermon backed up what I wrote. It is my dream to be loved in a way that makes me feel valued, set apart, and truly loved for the first time in my life. I have often told friends that I have never been truly loved; that if things were not right in the relationship, I complained. I did have some pretty extreme problems in the relationships but I always threw in the towel. I then would complain about the relationship, place blame, and express my disappointment but I never realized how disappointed the men must have been. As I said, some cases were very extreme and I had a right to walk away from the marriage but I still had blame. I am still learning the qualities that I want in a man but, maybe, I need to turn the tables and realize that there are some pretty important qualities that God, and my future husband, may want me to possess.
I loved the positive thoughts that are keeping me distracted, like those above, but there are a lot of other distractions that I am learning to decline. I am learning that the distractions that are of this world are those that make me feel weak, tired, and ultimately disappointed. I realize that many of these "life lessons" that I am learning are things that many people learned by their mid twenties but I am just now receiving the proper teaching. Shelly also talked to me about making and following through with a list... just a short list of things that I want to accomplish for the day and I completed almost everything on my list...I have just a few more things to do...right now! : )
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I am Captivating!
I celebrate small things. I always have. I love to encourage others and love to encourage my kids. I am going to celebrate some small things in writing, right now. I celebrate that I have not had chocolate, bread or potatoes since Monday. I celebrate that I have lost one pound...I know only one but it is not a gain. I celebrate that I kept myself busy this weekend and did not fall into even a small little bout of depression in any form or fashion. I celebrate bigger things like two of my friends getting engaged this weekend and the fact that I am TRULY happy for them...ecstatic even, that they are living the dream. I celebrate that even though I REALLY did not want to play Monopoly with Trevor, I did it because it made him really happy! I also celebrate that I did not put off packing the twins bags for their trip to Sky Ranch until tomorrow, since I don't know how busy I will be.
I also celebrate that I am feeling captivating! I felt so beautiful today. It was not for any special reason. I mean, I did put on very little make-up and I put on a cute shirt with a nice pair of pants, but I felt beautiful because I received blessings today... no negativity at all! My kids were happy (until I was adamant about bedtime), I got plenty of rest, and I praised and worshiped my savior. I feel absolutely breath-takingly beautiful, if that is a word - breathtakingly, when I raise my hands and heart in worship. It is like nothing that I have ever experienced in my life. That is my little gift from God ~ that I feel so beautiful when I offer my heart to Him.
I worked at Lifeway Christian bookstore last night, helping with inventory. I was hating that I took the job after two hours when my knees began to hurt from getting on the floor to reach the lower book shelves. Then my back starting to just kill me from reaching for the books and having to hold them while I maneuvered the scanner. It was tough work for the, maybe, $40 that I will be mailed (that will have taxes taken out of it). I did it so that I could possibly get a permanent job there but I am not feeling like that is where I need to be.
Where I want to be is at the coffee shop at Gateway NRH. I really want to be there. I talked to the woman in charge of hiring last Sunday when I was volunteering. I took my application on Wednesday and hoped that I would get a call this last week. When volunteering today, I went by the coffee shop and said hello to Brenda, one of the shift managers. I reminded her of my name and found out that the hiring manager had been off for a few days last week. I am praying that I will get the job. I think that it would be a good match!
On an ending note. I love reading Isaiah 62:
For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah
for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married.
As a young man marries a maiden
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
(Side note: Hephzibah means "delight in her" and Beulah - promised land)
I am going to rejoice when my kids are arguing, when my jeans are a little too tight, and when I am the last of my friends that are single (that one may be a little tough)...because my Father has big plans for me! God will call me by a new name...can't wait to see what it is.
I also celebrate that I am feeling captivating! I felt so beautiful today. It was not for any special reason. I mean, I did put on very little make-up and I put on a cute shirt with a nice pair of pants, but I felt beautiful because I received blessings today... no negativity at all! My kids were happy (until I was adamant about bedtime), I got plenty of rest, and I praised and worshiped my savior. I feel absolutely breath-takingly beautiful, if that is a word - breathtakingly, when I raise my hands and heart in worship. It is like nothing that I have ever experienced in my life. That is my little gift from God ~ that I feel so beautiful when I offer my heart to Him.
I worked at Lifeway Christian bookstore last night, helping with inventory. I was hating that I took the job after two hours when my knees began to hurt from getting on the floor to reach the lower book shelves. Then my back starting to just kill me from reaching for the books and having to hold them while I maneuvered the scanner. It was tough work for the, maybe, $40 that I will be mailed (that will have taxes taken out of it). I did it so that I could possibly get a permanent job there but I am not feeling like that is where I need to be.
Where I want to be is at the coffee shop at Gateway NRH. I really want to be there. I talked to the woman in charge of hiring last Sunday when I was volunteering. I took my application on Wednesday and hoped that I would get a call this last week. When volunteering today, I went by the coffee shop and said hello to Brenda, one of the shift managers. I reminded her of my name and found out that the hiring manager had been off for a few days last week. I am praying that I will get the job. I think that it would be a good match!
On an ending note. I love reading Isaiah 62:
For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah
for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married.
As a young man marries a maiden
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
(Side note: Hephzibah means "delight in her" and Beulah - promised land)
I am going to rejoice when my kids are arguing, when my jeans are a little too tight, and when I am the last of my friends that are single (that one may be a little tough)...because my Father has big plans for me! God will call me by a new name...can't wait to see what it is.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Being in control
Attending bible studies and woman's groups are so encouraging to me. Women that are empowering each other and women that help each other stay accountable in those things that they are battling is amazing. I have surrounded myself with incredible women and I feel blessed. I have really good friends that love me and want to see me succeed. I have talked to a couple of friends, since my last post, about keeping me accountable but I know that they are busy. It is encouraging to be contacted by friends to find out how I am doing in my weight loss and exercise goals, but more importantly, it is important that I am accountable to myself.
I talked to God for quite a long time, last night, about how I have been obedient in many aspects of my life, as of late, but how I transferred a lot of my dependencies to an obsession with food. I had bulimia when I was a teenager and I have always had a problem with food but I have seen more of a problem emerge in the last few months. Well, maybe it is not more of a problem but...maybe God is drawing my attention to it since my lack of will power is in direct correlation to my lack of obedience.
I have laid my obsession to food at the foot of the cross and I will NOT pick it up again. Okay, so I walked into QT last night and did not go to the candy bar isle. I did not even take a small peppermint patty. THIS IS BIG! I am going to abstain from white flour products and sweets. I did a good work-out today and I did not overeat. I feel incredible. It is only day two but I am in control of my body. I will be in a much better position to live out my dreams when I have conquered the things that have become obstacles in my path.
I have to pat myself on the back because I have also made the decision to stop having expectations that the "man of my dreams" is going to show up in my dreams, at my front door, or anywhere else. If it happens, I will not push him away but I am going to TRY...try being the opportive word... to stop fantasizing and wishing. God is going to bring the man that I need when I need him. I have to continue to remember that the man that God will bless me with is so much more than the man that I have planned. God is going to surpass my expectations. BRING IT, LORD!
I talked to God for quite a long time, last night, about how I have been obedient in many aspects of my life, as of late, but how I transferred a lot of my dependencies to an obsession with food. I had bulimia when I was a teenager and I have always had a problem with food but I have seen more of a problem emerge in the last few months. Well, maybe it is not more of a problem but...maybe God is drawing my attention to it since my lack of will power is in direct correlation to my lack of obedience.
I have laid my obsession to food at the foot of the cross and I will NOT pick it up again. Okay, so I walked into QT last night and did not go to the candy bar isle. I did not even take a small peppermint patty. THIS IS BIG! I am going to abstain from white flour products and sweets. I did a good work-out today and I did not overeat. I feel incredible. It is only day two but I am in control of my body. I will be in a much better position to live out my dreams when I have conquered the things that have become obstacles in my path.
I have to pat myself on the back because I have also made the decision to stop having expectations that the "man of my dreams" is going to show up in my dreams, at my front door, or anywhere else. If it happens, I will not push him away but I am going to TRY...try being the opportive word... to stop fantasizing and wishing. God is going to bring the man that I need when I need him. I have to continue to remember that the man that God will bless me with is so much more than the man that I have planned. God is going to surpass my expectations. BRING IT, LORD!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Assembling a team
I have not been keeping my goals. First of all, I did not get a job yet. Well, actually, I truly believe with everything that has been going on, that God has that all under control. BUT, I am really good at making excuses, usually they don't involve God. For example, I have not started my weight loss goal. In fact, I have not bought batteries for the Wii so that I can start weighing myself regularly and keeping track of my workouts. I have not been real consistent with my workouts either. Okay, here comes another excuse. I have been busy helping my cousin get her house ready to sell, which has been hard, calorie expending work, I have not been feeling really well, and today I had my two year grandson, all day, and he did not take a nap. They are good excuses for my lack of activity for the last three days...besides that, I have been very consistent.
I need to assemble of team of people that can support, encourage, give me honest feedback, give wisdom and experience, accountability, and guidance. I have a few people in mind but I have not asked. I wonder if the reason, subconsciously, that I have not asked them to be accountability/support partners is because I am not ready to be fully accountable. I don't mind if people ask me, straight out, if I have been reading my bible because I am ready to be accountable for my spiritual health but it is hard to be accountable for those things that are more difficult for us to maintain. Wow... it is nice to realize that my spiritual health is the area that I am more consistent with.
Okay, now that I acknowledge that, I would love to think that God would reward our good behavior with a ten pound weight loss, for starters. Haha. Actually, I know that I would have that reward if I would reach for my bible instead of a bag of chips. It is really much harder than that...for me. I would like to think that when I am seeking food for comfort, it would be better to seek God. Honestly, the way I have felt about it lately is that my God time is cherished time when I am seeking him when I feel wonderful and I am yearning for Him and not when I am seeking Him because I am feeling blue. I need to change my mindset and seek Him at the time that I want to be wooed and when I need Him so that I won't eat another handful of chips.
I am continuing to seek wisdom and praying for my sister. I spent time with my younger sister on Saturday. It was the first time in almost two years and it was nice. I am learning how to share my heart, my desires, and my relationship with Jesus in small doses or only with those who God releases me to share with, so I only spoke for a brief period (about 10 minutes) about church and my relationship with God. I was amazed that I could speak so little about God with her since it is the basis of every other relationship that I have, right now. My niece also sat and talked with us and we all had a nice visit. I never felt like I needed to defend myself or my actions and for the first time, probably ever, I did not talk about the latest man in my life. Well, I guess I did...(about 10 minutes) Praise God!
I need to assemble of team of people that can support, encourage, give me honest feedback, give wisdom and experience, accountability, and guidance. I have a few people in mind but I have not asked. I wonder if the reason, subconsciously, that I have not asked them to be accountability/support partners is because I am not ready to be fully accountable. I don't mind if people ask me, straight out, if I have been reading my bible because I am ready to be accountable for my spiritual health but it is hard to be accountable for those things that are more difficult for us to maintain. Wow... it is nice to realize that my spiritual health is the area that I am more consistent with.
Okay, now that I acknowledge that, I would love to think that God would reward our good behavior with a ten pound weight loss, for starters. Haha. Actually, I know that I would have that reward if I would reach for my bible instead of a bag of chips. It is really much harder than that...for me. I would like to think that when I am seeking food for comfort, it would be better to seek God. Honestly, the way I have felt about it lately is that my God time is cherished time when I am seeking him when I feel wonderful and I am yearning for Him and not when I am seeking Him because I am feeling blue. I need to change my mindset and seek Him at the time that I want to be wooed and when I need Him so that I won't eat another handful of chips.
I am continuing to seek wisdom and praying for my sister. I spent time with my younger sister on Saturday. It was the first time in almost two years and it was nice. I am learning how to share my heart, my desires, and my relationship with Jesus in small doses or only with those who God releases me to share with, so I only spoke for a brief period (about 10 minutes) about church and my relationship with God. I was amazed that I could speak so little about God with her since it is the basis of every other relationship that I have, right now. My niece also sat and talked with us and we all had a nice visit. I never felt like I needed to defend myself or my actions and for the first time, probably ever, I did not talk about the latest man in my life. Well, I guess I did...(about 10 minutes) Praise God!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Obstacles that get in the way
I am grateful for my children. So grateful. It is funny how a wonderful blessing can bring a few thorns. For example, my sweet, eldest son came and surprised me, along with his beautiful wife, this past Saturday. It just happened to be the day before Easter and I was already a little sad about the fact that I did not have family to enjoy the day with, besides, of course, my children. I have to clarify something....I do not want a relationship with my immediate family because they do everything but build me up but I am saddened by the fact that I do not have family that loves and supports me.
Anyway, Spencer came in and they left, soon after, to hang out with friends. He got up early the next morning and took me and the younger boys to church so that he and Tiffany could go to Legacy, which is the church in which he grew up. He returned to Gateway soon and was noticeably angry because he had missed the service at Legacy. I had been really excited about the Easter service but Spence immediately made me uncomfortable at his restlessness and anxiety. He continued hanging out with his friends that evening and brought my nephew home, after midnight, on Sunday evening where they both were loud and obnoxious. I was not able to sleep soundly and awoke on Monday morning feeling as if I had consumed an entire bottle of wine the evening before.
I have had an obstacle in following the path to reach my dreams and I would not be truthful if I said that any of that really had much to do with Spencer's behavior on Sunday. He and I talked on Saturday, after he surprised me, and he let me know that my dad had attempted to get the family together so that everyone could see Spencer and Tiff while they were in town. Everyone was willing to go to dinner except for my oldest sister. She did not want to have to see me. How that set me back!! I have been feeling so worthy, so beautiful, so deserving, so....well, the list goes on and on. Why does an action from one person have to set an obstacle in front of me? A person that has never supported me, never loved me, and never even tried to pretend otherwise...why would that person have such an influence on my emotions and dreams?
After finding out that my dad was still going to take Spen and Tiff to see my sisters, I became ill. Well, actually, the fact that I had missed sleep and allowed myself to be stressed by everything going on, made me sick. I always really look forward to praise and worship time on Monday nights but I did not attend because I was not feeling good. Instead, I waited for Spencer to get home so that I could hear about their visit with my sister. I ranted and raved about how she continues to hurt me and how I don't need her in my life since she has never, ever spoke an encouraging word to me. I then went to bed.
Anyway, Spencer came in and they left, soon after, to hang out with friends. He got up early the next morning and took me and the younger boys to church so that he and Tiffany could go to Legacy, which is the church in which he grew up. He returned to Gateway soon and was noticeably angry because he had missed the service at Legacy. I had been really excited about the Easter service but Spence immediately made me uncomfortable at his restlessness and anxiety. He continued hanging out with his friends that evening and brought my nephew home, after midnight, on Sunday evening where they both were loud and obnoxious. I was not able to sleep soundly and awoke on Monday morning feeling as if I had consumed an entire bottle of wine the evening before.
I have had an obstacle in following the path to reach my dreams and I would not be truthful if I said that any of that really had much to do with Spencer's behavior on Sunday. He and I talked on Saturday, after he surprised me, and he let me know that my dad had attempted to get the family together so that everyone could see Spencer and Tiff while they were in town. Everyone was willing to go to dinner except for my oldest sister. She did not want to have to see me. How that set me back!! I have been feeling so worthy, so beautiful, so deserving, so....well, the list goes on and on. Why does an action from one person have to set an obstacle in front of me? A person that has never supported me, never loved me, and never even tried to pretend otherwise...why would that person have such an influence on my emotions and dreams?
After finding out that my dad was still going to take Spen and Tiff to see my sisters, I became ill. Well, actually, the fact that I had missed sleep and allowed myself to be stressed by everything going on, made me sick. I always really look forward to praise and worship time on Monday nights but I did not attend because I was not feeling good. Instead, I waited for Spencer to get home so that I could hear about their visit with my sister. I ranted and raved about how she continues to hurt me and how I don't need her in my life since she has never, ever spoke an encouraging word to me. I then went to bed.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Making a desirable outcome
The event in my life that had the biggest ripple effect was my divorce from Dean. Even though he was leading such a life of pornography, I still wanted to work things out...in the beginning. I really do believe that there was good in our relationship for the first two years. We had fun in the beginning. We had good conversation, we laughed a lot, and we enjoyed time with our friends. It was not until I had Trevor that things changed.
I am sure that it had a lot to do with the type of parties that he was attending when he told me that he was going fishing. He was so involved in a life of bondage, submission, and adultery. He also had split our finances and would not even buy milk when I needed it for the baby. And, after the twins were conceived, things got so much worse. I had never intended on raising four children on my own. I truly believe that things that I have gone through have made me the person that I am today.
I can honestly say that I am not judgmental in the least. I can empathize with someone in almost any situation. I can identify with most people that are hurting and offer a kind word or, at least, a hug when they need comfort. It is getting much easier, also, to tell people about my testimony and how God has worked in my life.
I am sure that it had a lot to do with the type of parties that he was attending when he told me that he was going fishing. He was so involved in a life of bondage, submission, and adultery. He also had split our finances and would not even buy milk when I needed it for the baby. And, after the twins were conceived, things got so much worse. I had never intended on raising four children on my own. I truly believe that things that I have gone through have made me the person that I am today.
I can honestly say that I am not judgmental in the least. I can empathize with someone in almost any situation. I can identify with most people that are hurting and offer a kind word or, at least, a hug when they need comfort. It is getting much easier, also, to tell people about my testimony and how God has worked in my life.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Envy - the devil's trap
When I was younger, I went to an amazing church. I had a great number of role models - women that raised their children and loved their husbands for the glory of God. I tried to learn from these women and I now know that I was not equipped to be obedient to God in my marriage. I did not respect my husband, I would talk poorly about him to whomever would listen, and, most importantly, I did not ask God to change his heart. Instead, I was embarrassed and constantly making excuses for the circumstances of my life.
The sad thing is that I was jealous of these sweet, Christian ladies. I am amazed at how kind and warm that they were to a "marked woman", which is how I saw myself. I really felt as if they wanted to have me around, until the enemy would start his whispering in my ear.
My sister and I never got along, even from the time that we were children. She resented the fact that my mom would make her bring me along when she was invited to a friend's house. My sister would tell me to stay on her friend's porch and she would give me food to keep me occupied. No toys, just food...hmm, maybe that is the reason that food is now a comfort to me. My sister, and brother, were embarrassed by me. I was reminded, daily, of how I did not measure up in our family. When I hear people talk about children that bully others, I so reach out to them because of how the bullying has affected my life.
I have forgiven my siblings, within the last year, because I realize that we all three came from dysfunctional parents and we were never given the skills to understand, or cope, with our feelings or emotions. Okay, I got way off track. The reason I write about my sister is because the enemy used her, even when I was attending church regularly, to tell me that I was an embarrassment. I don't believe that she meant to steer me away from the church but comments that she would say would leave me feeling unworthy and ashamed. Oh, how I wish that I had been equipped with the truth that I am a daughter of the most high. Instead, I was ashamed of my divorce, ashamed that I was not woman enough to help my husband leave a life of pornography and sexual immorality, and guilt ridden that I ran to the arms of another man so that I could find the hope of a successful relationship.
Comparison is a horrible thing and when you feel that you don't measure up to those around you, you live your life in shame and insecurity. I have had resentment toward others and had a real problem loving myself. I left that church because the devil and his voice, which I heard much louder than the voice of reason. I left but have looked back, thousands of times, at the love, compassion, and kindness that I experienced while I was there. The many life lessons that were crushed because of my own guilt and shame.
The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy and he does his job very well. He knows our weaknesses and he will not stop until he takes our eyes off the cross and leads us down a road of anger, resentment, covetousness, and sexual immorality, in my case. I am so thankful that I now understand what it means to walk with Him. I have dealt with the regrets and the bitterness. I have ended dangerous relationships that do not help me get closer to God AND I am embracing the future that God has for me. I am dreaming of the things that I once dreamed. Praise the Lord!
The sad thing is that I was jealous of these sweet, Christian ladies. I am amazed at how kind and warm that they were to a "marked woman", which is how I saw myself. I really felt as if they wanted to have me around, until the enemy would start his whispering in my ear.
My sister and I never got along, even from the time that we were children. She resented the fact that my mom would make her bring me along when she was invited to a friend's house. My sister would tell me to stay on her friend's porch and she would give me food to keep me occupied. No toys, just food...hmm, maybe that is the reason that food is now a comfort to me. My sister, and brother, were embarrassed by me. I was reminded, daily, of how I did not measure up in our family. When I hear people talk about children that bully others, I so reach out to them because of how the bullying has affected my life.
I have forgiven my siblings, within the last year, because I realize that we all three came from dysfunctional parents and we were never given the skills to understand, or cope, with our feelings or emotions. Okay, I got way off track. The reason I write about my sister is because the enemy used her, even when I was attending church regularly, to tell me that I was an embarrassment. I don't believe that she meant to steer me away from the church but comments that she would say would leave me feeling unworthy and ashamed. Oh, how I wish that I had been equipped with the truth that I am a daughter of the most high. Instead, I was ashamed of my divorce, ashamed that I was not woman enough to help my husband leave a life of pornography and sexual immorality, and guilt ridden that I ran to the arms of another man so that I could find the hope of a successful relationship.
Comparison is a horrible thing and when you feel that you don't measure up to those around you, you live your life in shame and insecurity. I have had resentment toward others and had a real problem loving myself. I left that church because the devil and his voice, which I heard much louder than the voice of reason. I left but have looked back, thousands of times, at the love, compassion, and kindness that I experienced while I was there. The many life lessons that were crushed because of my own guilt and shame.
The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy and he does his job very well. He knows our weaknesses and he will not stop until he takes our eyes off the cross and leads us down a road of anger, resentment, covetousness, and sexual immorality, in my case. I am so thankful that I now understand what it means to walk with Him. I have dealt with the regrets and the bitterness. I have ended dangerous relationships that do not help me get closer to God AND I am embracing the future that God has for me. I am dreaming of the things that I once dreamed. Praise the Lord!
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