Envy - the devil's trap

When I was younger, I went to an amazing church. I had a great number of role models - women that raised their children and loved their husbands for the glory of God. I tried to learn from these women and I now know that I was not equipped to be obedient to God in my marriage. I did not respect my husband, I would talk poorly about him to whomever would listen, and, most importantly, I did not ask God to change his heart. Instead, I was embarrassed and constantly making excuses for the circumstances of my life.
The sad thing is that I was jealous of these sweet, Christian ladies. I am amazed at how kind and warm that they were to a "marked woman", which is how I saw myself. I really felt as if they wanted to have me around, until the enemy would start his whispering in my ear.
My sister and I never got along, even from the time that we were children. She resented the fact that my mom would make her bring me along when she was invited to a friend's house. My sister would tell me to stay on her friend's porch and she would give me food to keep me occupied. No toys, just food...hmm, maybe that is the reason that food is now a comfort to me. My sister, and brother, were embarrassed by me. I was reminded, daily, of how I did not measure up in our family. When I hear people talk about children that bully others, I so reach out to them because of how the bullying has affected my life.
I have forgiven my siblings, within the last year, because I realize that we all three came from dysfunctional parents and we were never given the skills to understand, or cope, with our feelings or emotions. Okay, I got way off track. The reason I write about my sister is because the enemy used her, even when I was attending church regularly, to tell me that I was an embarrassment. I don't believe that she meant to steer me away from the church but comments that she would say would leave me feeling unworthy and ashamed. Oh, how I wish that I had been equipped with the truth that I am a daughter of the most high. Instead, I was ashamed of my divorce, ashamed that I was not woman enough to help my husband leave a life of pornography and sexual immorality, and guilt ridden that I ran to the arms of another man so that I could find the hope of a successful relationship.
Comparison is a horrible thing and when you feel that you don't measure up to those around you, you live your life in shame and insecurity. I have had resentment toward others and had a real problem loving myself. I left that church because the devil and his voice, which I heard much louder than the voice of reason. I left but have looked back, thousands of times, at the love, compassion, and kindness that I experienced while I was there. The many life lessons that were crushed because of my own guilt and shame.
The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy and he does his job very well. He knows our weaknesses and he will not stop until he takes our eyes off the cross and leads us down a road of anger, resentment, covetousness, and sexual immorality, in my case. I am so thankful that I now understand what it means to walk with Him. I have dealt with the regrets and the bitterness. I have ended dangerous relationships that do not help me get closer to God AND I am embracing the future that God has for me. I am dreaming of the things that I once dreamed. Praise the Lord!