I am going through a season of loneliness. My life is much different than I have ever known it to be and I am not handling it well. A year ago, when I felt lonely, I would call Heather and meet her for a drink or I would just leave the house so that I would not have to feel all four walls closing in on me. I am in a much different place right now....so, why does it still feel like such a dark place?
I went to a GSA activity today and I just did not fit in so well. In high school, I was the head cheerleader and so full of energy and friends with everybody but now I struggle to find my fit. It is crazy that I am going through this. I sat with an awesome woman, Cheryl, and talked for most of the afternoon. It was great to talk to her and she is so comfortable with just being with her kids. I love being with my boys but they were all over the place today. They were swinging, diving and sliding...not activities that I cared to join in.
There were a group of GSA people that were all hanging out together. I have never felt comfortable with that group of people and I don't really think that they even know my name. I honestly have never cared that I was not included in their clique until I was obviously not included. Which is a silly statement. It did punctuate the statement that I said earlier, though, - I am going through a season of loneliness.
I watched TD Jakes on television today and he was talking on Samson. He said that Samson, after being tempted by Delilah, beaten and shackled, was taken to a dark place. He went on to say that everyone that God has ever "used" has been taken to a dark place. The dark place can be a place of regret, a place of shame, a place of loneliness, a place that has lost it's sense of pleasure, etc. He also said that the dark place is not a place where God has left you. You will never know your greatest task until you have been through a dark place.
TD Jake's church then began to jump up and down, praising God. They were shouting as if the burden had been lifted, they were laughing as if the healing had come, they were smiling as if the bills had been paid, they were jumping as if "Mr. Right" was right there in sight. Okay, so do I need to rejoice in this dark place - knowing that God's provision is on the way? I will pray, tonight, for God to show me how to do that.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Fear
I posted the blog from yesterday, on discovering my dream, on facebook. Oh my gosh, how difficult that was. (smile) I was going to post, log off, and not think of it again all day BUT Spencer came online, chatting from Afghanistan, and, of course, I had to talk to him. It was like he was sitting across from me. I shared my anxiety and fear. I don't know why I behave this way - I mean, it is not as if anyone is ready the post and putting more than 5 minutes thought into it. I know that I have to be the silliest girl EVER!
I worried about haters leaving comments, I worried about the comments from old high school friends that knew me when the biggest worry on my mind would be whether I spilled something on my shirt during lunch, and I worried about those that would think "why is she STILL dwelling on her past by even blogging about this?" I just went to God and felt better but the fears started filling my thoughts again after a few hours. I swear, I am my worst cheerleader.
I went to bed knowing that the first thing that I would do when I got up today was to delete the post. I really think that it is odd that I was even worried about the post that I had submitted 12 hours before, but it was a real, true fear. What was my fear exactly? That I would not be hiding anymore? That I would have to follow the dream that I shared with all my facebook friends? Or that someone might judge me regarding the small amount of my past that I had shared? I know that I over-analyze everything. I was so proud of myself when I woke up and started spending time with the boys instead.
I will follow that dream. It may be after the busy time in the summer has passed. I am not sure but I do remember when I was first reading the 21 days of the year devotionals, after the first conference, that spoke of God speaking things into our lives. There are things that "call" us to make a change. I also think about the study that I began on ID groups and understanding our identity in Christ. It spoke of some things that would make us feel sad, some that we know that others should do in the world to make a difference, and some things that we should do because we know that God has called us to make a difference. I truly believe that I am called to help women that feel unworthy and alone - women that are 15 - 25 years old. Single parents, pregnant women, and such. There is something that I can do.
I worried about haters leaving comments, I worried about the comments from old high school friends that knew me when the biggest worry on my mind would be whether I spilled something on my shirt during lunch, and I worried about those that would think "why is she STILL dwelling on her past by even blogging about this?" I just went to God and felt better but the fears started filling my thoughts again after a few hours. I swear, I am my worst cheerleader.
I went to bed knowing that the first thing that I would do when I got up today was to delete the post. I really think that it is odd that I was even worried about the post that I had submitted 12 hours before, but it was a real, true fear. What was my fear exactly? That I would not be hiding anymore? That I would have to follow the dream that I shared with all my facebook friends? Or that someone might judge me regarding the small amount of my past that I had shared? I know that I over-analyze everything. I was so proud of myself when I woke up and started spending time with the boys instead.
I will follow that dream. It may be after the busy time in the summer has passed. I am not sure but I do remember when I was first reading the 21 days of the year devotionals, after the first conference, that spoke of God speaking things into our lives. There are things that "call" us to make a change. I also think about the study that I began on ID groups and understanding our identity in Christ. It spoke of some things that would make us feel sad, some that we know that others should do in the world to make a difference, and some things that we should do because we know that God has called us to make a difference. I truly believe that I am called to help women that feel unworthy and alone - women that are 15 - 25 years old. Single parents, pregnant women, and such. There is something that I can do.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Maybe I finally know my calling!
I have been so consumed over the last few months with finding where God wants me! So consumed with living the life that God has planned for me. Lets be honest, I have been so consumed with FINALLY finding love, a career, and everything else that would make my life "normal" that I stopped seeing the wonderful blessings that I already have. I have also been so scared of people finding out the true Tracey that I have driven my inner circle crazy with never ending talks of my past and how wonderful I am doing now...so that they can validate my feelings of worth.
This world can be so nasty! When my world was falling apart, a couple of years ago, (for the fourth or fifth time), I wrote a sad and angry post that was on myspace for anyone to see. I was a weak, emotionally unfit person that just wanted to lash out and take prisoners. Now, I post this to possibly help somebody. If I hurt anyone in this post, I am TRULY sorry.
I have read wayyy too many self help books in the past two years. Some funny, some sad...but many have helped me to understand myself. When reading the Strength Finders book, I learned that my strengths are woo (this was a no-brainer for me - I always try to win others over and want people to like me), empathy, and communication. I began volunteering at church every week and, though this has been so fun and rewarding, it is still not my "calling". I may have finally figured it out.
I read a post from a sweet, beautiful woman yesterday that cut me to the core. I mean...it hit me straight between the eyes and brought me, later, to my knees. It was a beautiful picture of a young woman, a pregnant young woman, that had her face down, puffy eyes and said that she had not slept all night long. This girl had married a man six months ago that she believed was the man of her dreams. He left her two weeks ago and her bright, happy spark disappeared. When I read her post and began reading the "friends" comments, I became outraged. There was a comment that said "you reap what you sow". I responded that we are not to be ANYONE'S judge and jury. I am so amazed that people still can't grasp that concept!
I remember when I was a young girl. I wanted affection, attention, and comfort soo desperately. I want to emphasize SO DESPERATELY. This girl that later finds that her main strength is wooing people was not able to woo the main people that she wanted to woo in her life. All I am going to say is that I know that the people from which I had wanted to receive love from were not emotionally fit to know how to give love. So, I was so much like the girl that I speak of above. I got married at 20 to a man that gave me a beautiful gift, Spencer, but also gave me endless days of crying, more than a few bruises, and the lowest self esteem that I thought was possible. He also gave me the most horrible feeling of unworthiness that anyone could ever have. I carried that unworthy feeling around with me for 40 years.
I am finished with telling my story. I have gone to countless classes since January, 2009 where I have cried about my past but kept picking up my baggage, time and again. I keep crying over my weight, crying about my children's loss, crying over my single life, and crying over my lack of ambition. Let me say right NOW: I am done. It is time to get over myself and start helping other young, pregnant, desperate women realize that they are so worthy, so beautiful, so captivating, and so deserving. I don't know how, exactly, that I am going to start doing this but God will guide me, of this I am sure. I am so ready to cry with women that are hurting and offer a solution.
I have been blogging for a few months now and have never posted anything for fear of being "seen". There are still things that I will leave private for those that really care about me (God is teaching me discernment :) but there are some things that need to be "seen" so that they may help someone else. I looked up the definition of woo: to solicit or entreat especially with importunity. It blows my mind that I have been so busy wooing others that I had stopped wooing myself. I am important, along with everyone else out there that has made mistakes or continues to make mistakes.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
II Timothy 1:8
This world can be so nasty! When my world was falling apart, a couple of years ago, (for the fourth or fifth time), I wrote a sad and angry post that was on myspace for anyone to see. I was a weak, emotionally unfit person that just wanted to lash out and take prisoners. Now, I post this to possibly help somebody. If I hurt anyone in this post, I am TRULY sorry.
I have read wayyy too many self help books in the past two years. Some funny, some sad...but many have helped me to understand myself. When reading the Strength Finders book, I learned that my strengths are woo (this was a no-brainer for me - I always try to win others over and want people to like me), empathy, and communication. I began volunteering at church every week and, though this has been so fun and rewarding, it is still not my "calling". I may have finally figured it out.
I read a post from a sweet, beautiful woman yesterday that cut me to the core. I mean...it hit me straight between the eyes and brought me, later, to my knees. It was a beautiful picture of a young woman, a pregnant young woman, that had her face down, puffy eyes and said that she had not slept all night long. This girl had married a man six months ago that she believed was the man of her dreams. He left her two weeks ago and her bright, happy spark disappeared. When I read her post and began reading the "friends" comments, I became outraged. There was a comment that said "you reap what you sow". I responded that we are not to be ANYONE'S judge and jury. I am so amazed that people still can't grasp that concept!
I remember when I was a young girl. I wanted affection, attention, and comfort soo desperately. I want to emphasize SO DESPERATELY. This girl that later finds that her main strength is wooing people was not able to woo the main people that she wanted to woo in her life. All I am going to say is that I know that the people from which I had wanted to receive love from were not emotionally fit to know how to give love. So, I was so much like the girl that I speak of above. I got married at 20 to a man that gave me a beautiful gift, Spencer, but also gave me endless days of crying, more than a few bruises, and the lowest self esteem that I thought was possible. He also gave me the most horrible feeling of unworthiness that anyone could ever have. I carried that unworthy feeling around with me for 40 years.
I am finished with telling my story. I have gone to countless classes since January, 2009 where I have cried about my past but kept picking up my baggage, time and again. I keep crying over my weight, crying about my children's loss, crying over my single life, and crying over my lack of ambition. Let me say right NOW: I am done. It is time to get over myself and start helping other young, pregnant, desperate women realize that they are so worthy, so beautiful, so captivating, and so deserving. I don't know how, exactly, that I am going to start doing this but God will guide me, of this I am sure. I am so ready to cry with women that are hurting and offer a solution.
I have been blogging for a few months now and have never posted anything for fear of being "seen". There are still things that I will leave private for those that really care about me (God is teaching me discernment :) but there are some things that need to be "seen" so that they may help someone else. I looked up the definition of woo: to solicit or entreat especially with importunity. It blows my mind that I have been so busy wooing others that I had stopped wooing myself. I am important, along with everyone else out there that has made mistakes or continues to make mistakes.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
II Timothy 1:8
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Maybe it is time to give myself a little break and change things up
I was really upset when I got on the scale and found that I have not lost any weight in the last 17 days. Seventeen days of refraining from pasta, bread, sweets. Okay, I have cheated a little since I have had sweet tea, a few bites of spaghetti, and crackers BUT I refrained from chocolate - that should be good for at least 5 pounds. I will not give up! I did get upset, though, and messed up the last couple of days. It is sad how depressed that we can get over weight loss.
I have been reading Captivating, lately, and it lifts my spirit! I think that the main reason that I love the book is that it validates my thoughts. I believe that most women go through a period when they feel inadequate. I hate that I feel that the attention of a man is going to validate my beauty. It seems that a lot of women also feel that way. I hate the jealous feelings that I am having when I find out that another friend of mine is in a relationship. I am happy for them, honestly, but I just have the desire that it will happen for me, too. I think about how beautiful it would be to spend a wonderful Spring day with my boyfriend and my birthday, as well.
I stayed busy the entire weekend. I did things with friends, with my kiddos, and with God. What a wonderful weekend it was. I realize that I am blessed in so many ways. I have friends that are such a special part of my life, my kids are so thankful for the small things that I can do for them, and God has a way of making me feel beautiful when I set my eyes upon Him. I love that my boys can tell how much God means to me and they are feeling His love, too. I served at church today and I came home with some of the food that was left over. Trent saw the grapes as I got them out of the bag and said "God is so good". Okay, that is what it is all about. He hears me Praise God for what we receive and he has learned to do the same. The best gift that I can give, as a mother, is being able to see the blessings instead of constantly looking at the things that I don't have.
Okay, so maybe I am not a size 8, I am not working yet, and I am not happily married but I need to realize that I have my bills paid, food on my table, and healthy children. I may not have achieved 30 days to my dreams but I have achieved a lot - when you look at my emotional health and God knows the job that is going to work out the best for me and my children. God knows best in every aspect of my life! So, I will walk by faith! I also will change up the diet and exercise plan so that I can achieve some results. :)
I have been reading Captivating, lately, and it lifts my spirit! I think that the main reason that I love the book is that it validates my thoughts. I believe that most women go through a period when they feel inadequate. I hate that I feel that the attention of a man is going to validate my beauty. It seems that a lot of women also feel that way. I hate the jealous feelings that I am having when I find out that another friend of mine is in a relationship. I am happy for them, honestly, but I just have the desire that it will happen for me, too. I think about how beautiful it would be to spend a wonderful Spring day with my boyfriend and my birthday, as well.
I stayed busy the entire weekend. I did things with friends, with my kiddos, and with God. What a wonderful weekend it was. I realize that I am blessed in so many ways. I have friends that are such a special part of my life, my kids are so thankful for the small things that I can do for them, and God has a way of making me feel beautiful when I set my eyes upon Him. I love that my boys can tell how much God means to me and they are feeling His love, too. I served at church today and I came home with some of the food that was left over. Trent saw the grapes as I got them out of the bag and said "God is so good". Okay, that is what it is all about. He hears me Praise God for what we receive and he has learned to do the same. The best gift that I can give, as a mother, is being able to see the blessings instead of constantly looking at the things that I don't have.
Okay, so maybe I am not a size 8, I am not working yet, and I am not happily married but I need to realize that I have my bills paid, food on my table, and healthy children. I may not have achieved 30 days to my dreams but I have achieved a lot - when you look at my emotional health and God knows the job that is going to work out the best for me and my children. God knows best in every aspect of my life! So, I will walk by faith! I also will change up the diet and exercise plan so that I can achieve some results. :)
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