Fear

I posted the blog from yesterday, on discovering my dream, on facebook. Oh my gosh, how difficult that was. (smile) I was going to post, log off, and not think of it again all day BUT Spencer came online, chatting from Afghanistan, and, of course, I had to talk to him. It was like he was sitting across from me. I shared my anxiety and fear. I don't know why I behave this way - I mean, it is not as if anyone is ready the post and putting more than 5 minutes thought into it. I know that I have to be the silliest girl EVER!

I worried about haters leaving comments, I worried about the comments from old high school friends that knew me when the biggest worry on my mind would be whether I spilled something on my shirt during lunch, and I worried about those that would think "why is she STILL dwelling on her past by even blogging about this?" I just went to God and felt better but the fears started filling my thoughts again after a few hours. I swear, I am my worst cheerleader.

I went to bed knowing that the first thing that I would do when I got up today was to delete the post. I really think that it is odd that I was even worried about the post that I had submitted 12 hours before, but it was a real, true fear. What was my fear exactly? That I would not be hiding anymore? That I would have to follow the dream that I shared with all my facebook friends? Or that someone might judge me regarding the small amount of my past that I had shared? I know that I over-analyze everything. I was so proud of myself when I woke up and started spending time with the boys instead.

I will follow that dream. It may be after the busy time in the summer has passed. I am not sure but I do remember when I was first reading the 21 days of the year devotionals, after the first conference, that spoke of God speaking things into our lives. There are things that "call" us to make a change. I also think about the study that I began on ID groups and understanding our identity in Christ. It spoke of some things that would make us feel sad, some that we know that others should do in the world to make a difference, and some things that we should do because we know that God has called us to make a difference. I truly believe that I am called to help women that feel unworthy and alone - women that are 15 - 25 years old. Single parents, pregnant women, and such. There is something that I can do.