Maybe I finally know my calling!

I have been so consumed over the last few months with finding where God wants me! So consumed with living the life that God has planned for me. Lets be honest, I have been so consumed with FINALLY finding love, a career, and everything else that would make my life "normal" that I stopped seeing the wonderful blessings that I already have. I have also been so scared of people finding out the true Tracey that I have driven my inner circle crazy with never ending talks of my past and how wonderful I am doing now...so that they can validate my feelings of worth.

This world can be so nasty! When my world was falling apart, a couple of years ago, (for the fourth or fifth time), I wrote a sad and angry post that was on myspace for anyone to see. I was a weak, emotionally unfit person that just wanted to lash out and take prisoners. Now, I post this to possibly help somebody. If I hurt anyone in this post, I am TRULY sorry.

I have read wayyy too many self help books in the past two years. Some funny, some sad...but many have helped me to understand myself. When reading the Strength Finders book, I learned that my strengths are woo (this was a no-brainer for me - I always try to win others over and want people to like me), empathy, and communication. I began volunteering at church every week and, though this has been so fun and rewarding, it is still not my "calling". I may have finally figured it out.

I read a post from a sweet, beautiful woman yesterday that cut me to the core. I mean...it hit me straight between the eyes and brought me, later, to my knees. It was a beautiful picture of a young woman, a pregnant young woman, that had her face down, puffy eyes and said that she had not slept all night long. This girl had married a man six months ago that she believed was the man of her dreams. He left her two weeks ago and her bright, happy spark disappeared. When I read her post and began reading the "friends" comments, I became outraged. There was a comment that said "you reap what you sow". I responded that we are not to be ANYONE'S judge and jury. I am so amazed that people still can't grasp that concept!

I remember when I was a young girl. I wanted affection, attention, and comfort soo desperately. I want to emphasize SO DESPERATELY. This girl that later finds that her main strength is wooing people was not able to woo the main people that she wanted to woo in her life. All I am going to say is that I know that the people from which I had wanted to receive love from were not emotionally fit to know how to give love. So, I was so much like the girl that I speak of above. I got married at 20 to a man that gave me a beautiful gift, Spencer, but also gave me endless days of crying, more than a few bruises, and the lowest self esteem that I thought was possible. He also gave me the most horrible feeling of unworthiness that anyone could ever have. I carried that unworthy feeling around with me for 40 years.

I am finished with telling my story. I have gone to countless classes since January, 2009 where I have cried about my past but kept picking up my baggage, time and again. I keep crying over my weight, crying about my children's loss, crying over my single life, and crying over my lack of ambition. Let me say right NOW: I am done. It is time to get over myself and start helping other young, pregnant, desperate women realize that they are so worthy, so beautiful, so captivating, and so deserving. I don't know how, exactly, that I am going to start doing this but God will guide me, of this I am sure. I am so ready to cry with women that are hurting and offer a solution.

I have been blogging for a few months now and have never posted anything for fear of being "seen". There are still things that I will leave private for those that really care about me (God is teaching me discernment :) but there are some things that need to be "seen" so that they may help someone else. I looked up the definition of woo: to solicit or entreat especially with importunity. It blows my mind that I have been so busy wooing others that I had stopped wooing myself. I am important, along with everyone else out there that has made mistakes or continues to make mistakes.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
II Timothy 1:8